No More Idols Pt.2

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The out pour from my previous posts from woman after woman sharing their broken hearts has humbled me, greatly. It also has pissed me off. { This is a trend, eh? } The enemy has so quietly deceived our hearts as women into believing something that is a complete and utter lie.

When I wrote "No More Idols" I wrote it because I felt the Holy Spirit beckoning me to do it. And I'm trying to be super obedient { work in progress here}. What I didn't expect was a new burden for the hurting. Particularly with this topic.

You see the common theme from every women I spoke to had to deal with what we were seeking in a relationship, in a man, and the fear of not wanting to wait for the perfect person God has for us. Learn from me sisters. I urge you. I've allowed my willingness to love deep to cloud my judgment. And now I sit, two failed marriages under my belt, and part of me is so angry with myself I can barely write.

With that I have also heard the lies that some of these same men have told me. "No one will ever love you, want you, or your kids." Who wants a woman that has had two marriages fail?

Some of these woman have shared hurts so deep they see no hope for a future. Many of you believe that no man will ever want you. It's a lie. Draw your sword and cut the enemy deep. He wants you to live in a constant state of insecurity and fear and YOU don't have too.

The Lord has pressed it on my heart to share the things that I failed to look for in a spouse and I wanted to share them with you because many asked, "How do I even know if this person is it? How do I  NOT KNOW this person that I'm clinging on to isn't my one?"

I also want to speak to those woman (and men) who have stayed the course and remained pure and have waited for their spouse. It is easy to fall into the trap of falling for every person that comes your way, with hearts in your eyes, hoping they are your mate. It's OK to guard your heart deep. You must guard your heart.

Job 4:6 says, "Is not your reverence your confidence? And the integrity of your ways your hope?"

Your hope and your confidence comes from your integrity and the reverence you have given the Lord. He hears you and has not forgotten.


So what should we be praying for? What should we not be looking for? Here are just a few things I felt compelled to share.

1. They must put Jesus first, forever. 

The greatest thing you will ever find in any kind of spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is someone who puts Jesus first and foremost above anything in their life. They must be consistently mediating on Him. Running after Him. If they do not have a solid relationship with the Lord they can never love you to the full extent possible.

Why? Because Jesus is love. And without Him we cannot love others. The most important relationship that any of us have is our personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. That relationship comes before all others. If our vertical relationship with the Lord is as it should be, then our horizontal relationships will reflect that reality. Therefore, a potential husband should be a man who has his focus upon walking in obedience to God's Word and who seeks to live so that his life brings glory to God

2. He must respect you and hold the gift of purity (towards you in high regard). He will wait.

Putting it frankly, a man who desires for you to be his wife, and a man who really loves you will encourage you to wait to be an intimate with him sexually until your wedding day. Why?

God designed sex to be enjoyed within a committed marital relationship. To remove it from that context is to pervert its use and severely limit its enjoyment. Sexual contact involves a level of intimacy not experienced in any other human relationship. When God brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, He established the “one flesh” relationship. Genesis 2:24 tells us that a man will leave his family, join to his wife, and become “one flesh” with her.

I did not wait with either of my previous spouses to have sex. I regret it with every fiber of my being. God has placed such a strong protection of purity now in my heart. I want to protect everyone. I don't want to be a stumbling block. It's hard to remain pure, but nothing comes easy. And how much more glorified will the Lord be if you wait until the day you marry to be intimate?

Casual sex is rampant in our society. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in having sex. Think of it this way.

 If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.

If you have engaged or are engaging in premarital sex, stop. You also need to know that you can adhere again with the Lord's help and when the time is right. I'm an extremely physical human being. Physical touch is my greatest love language and the way I feel love in the greatest way. I guard myself because I don't want to be tempted and fall into the enemies trap.

3. Consistently seeks guidance, Godly counsel, and mentorship. 

Men need other men. BAD. It is important that your man is wise in realizing he can’t carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. When he is surrounded by men who are older than him who can offer advice, prayer and mentorship, he can be a better husband to you. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15

5. He is slow to anger; but has a righteous anger when necessary. 

There is peace in knowing your man holds an even temperament even when he is provoked. A man who allows his feelings, emotions and anger to determine his actions typically has tarnished relationships and is not a healthy place for you or a family. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18

Also remember though that there is a time and a place for a righteous anger. Jesus got angry in temple for a very GOOD purpose. Your future spouse will understand that there is a different between being sinful and angry and having a righteous anger.

6. He is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being. 

I hated when a guy I was dating exposed my embarrassing moments or the private matters of our relationship with his friends. Picking on you may seem cute and funny at first, but it will get old after a while. You should feel honored and safe knowing you can always trust your future spouse to cover and speak well of you.

There will be a time where you will need to seek guidance from close friends or mentors on a situation but in group settings is not the place or time. Discernment is essential to when to speak or when to remain quiet.

|| And lastly for now I leave you with this || 

7. He pursues and loves you passionately.

The man you marry should make you feel loved like you’ve never felt before. Safe, accepted, desired, nurtured, protected and comforted. Jesus loves us deeply, he loves us so fiercely, that he willingly gave up his life to save us.

Jacob loved Rachel so much that he worked for seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love, his heart was deeply rooted in the fact that THIS was going to be his wife, that it felt like just a few days. Your future spouse should love you so much that even if it takes eight years for you to get married, he'll wait. She'll wait. And when it finally comes to fruition it will have felt like a week. Patience is extremely hard, sometimes frustrating, but the taste of winning in patience is the sweetest taste you'll ever experience.

He should also be consistently romancing you and learning about you. Getting married or finding your soul mate doesn't end your seeking stage, it gives you more room to seek harder. Romance is essential in this.

I know women who feel guilty or wrong for desiring romance in their relationship, as if they don’t deserve it. { LIES! You do deserve it! } But God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2 “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6.

All marriage is, is a friendship set on fire. The best marriages that I've ever encountered started with two people becoming best friends - spending time together, doing fun things together, learning about each other, supporting each other.

And lastly....he should be able to humble himself and admit when he's wrong. There is nothing worse than a petty conflict blowing out of porportion because your partner refuses to admit they were wrong. Taking responsibility for his actions and apologizing for his mistakes is the sign of a real man. (Proverbs 16:18) No person will be perfect and grace is a beautiful thing that makes relationships flourish.

Lets wait.

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