Lord, I am sorry.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Denzel has done it again. When the trailer for his new movie Equalizer played I knew I needed to see it. I've been a Denzel fan for many years and think his acting is beyond incredible.

So I did. I went the first time and was shouting from my chair. This movie is jam packed full of spiritual goodness. It was so good that I had to go see it again. Because who in their right mind ever just watches a Denzel movie once?

The second time I watched it though; it was different. I was more aware of things on the screen. My heart was more open and receptive to what the Lord was trying to say. The day I went and saw it I was already extremely emotionally bent. God has been pricking my heart all day about different things and I just was emotionally ready to lose it.

There is a scene in this movie, where Denzel is talking to a Russian Mob Leader, Teddy, who comes and cleans up messes other mafia members make (whether it's from another country or not). This guy was relentlessly pursuing Denzel because he wanted him dead and was failing; bad.

Teddy was at dinner with another gentlemen that was supposed to be able to find him and kill him. Of course, Denzel takes him out and comes and sits with Teddy and begins to have a conversation. Denzel goes on to share a story of a Russian Boy who was adopted. The boy having had a rough life and going from foster care home to foster care home was taken in by a man and his family who genuinely loved him.

So what did this Russian boy do? He started trouble. He stole from the man. The man still loved him, forgave him. Kept him. What did the Russian boy do again? Stole again. Started fighting with others. Was making a big problem in the house. What did the father do? Again, he loved him. He kept him and forgave him.

I'm listening to this story and my heart is beating so fast that I feel like the people around me can hear it. God is speaking directly to me through this story.

You see. I'm not the strongest and bravest woman you think I am. I am genuinely joy filled but struggle a lot with trust and feeling like I have any worth. My relationship with Christ was being reflected in this story. By this time tears are streaming down my face.

The story continues with the man and his wife and family being murdered. It happened to be done by this little boy because even though things seemed so great he presumed that they weren't going to be in the end, that like everyone else in his life, these people where going to eventually hurt him. So he took them out before they could cause his life any more pain.

Oh Jesus. My sweet Jesus, I'm sorry. My entire life I've gotten close and then put up a wall to you because I was so afraid that you would be like most of the other men in my life and would eventually hurt me. Leave me. Even though He hasn't, I felt exactly like this boy. I had to stop the relationship from going any further so that I wouldn't be hurt anymore. I'm tired of being hurt.

The conviction from this movie was so strong I had a good cry and repentance moment. In the last five weeks I've gotten rid of idols, broken down strongholds, and now the Lord was beckoning me to break down that wall in front of Him so He and I could come closer. How often have we done this to Him? Put up a wall? How often have we put our trust in something else or denied trust to Him because we were afraid of being hurt?

Lord, I love you. It was never my desire to hinder our relationship. And I'm so thankful for your grace and mercy that is allowing me to push forward.

Is there a wall you are putting up today that needs to come down? Lets do it. Brick by brick. He's got this.

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