Sunday, July 13, 2014

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” 

I don't know why but the enemy always thinks he's going to take me out through attacking my identity/security. Seriously you guys, it's getting to be a little ridiculous.

I'm a photographer and dozens of times throughout the month I encounter seriously beautiful people. Some of these people are so genuinely beautiful inside and out it's hard for me to snap the pictures with gawking or complimenting in overkill. Most of my models (models are people I ask to take photos) are not just beautiful in the physical either. Their personalities are beautiful and anyone who knows me knows I'm in awe of such beautiful people. Why though?

Hi, I'm Meg and I struggle with insecurity. My insecurity is not rooted in thinking I'm not pretty (I believe that) nor is it in my identity (well, kind of). I struggle with just being truly comfortable in my skin. I'm as someone recently put it "an acquired taste." You either love me or hate me and most of the time I rarely meet someone who feels somewhat in the middle on that line. I have a strong personality and this both gets me in trouble and brings peace; which at times is very confusing.

So who is Meg? I'm this ambitious, wild, vivacious, LOUD, awkward, clumsy, cheerful, creative, determined, devout, energetic, generous, excited, humorous, sarcastic, loyal, crazy, lighthearted, joy-filled, peaceful, plain, tomboyish yet classy, compassionate, genuine, giving, sacrificial, crazy and free spirited almost 27-year-old coffee addict who has tried everything in her will to change her personality. Literally. Sometimes I don't want to be an acquired taste. Sometimes I just want to be.....semi-normal. I want to be the type of person people don't have to tell to quiet down, or to chill out, or to be still. I don't want to always have to hear, "I wonder about you, Meg."

I want to just be funny without being loud, and sarcastic without hurting anyone's feelings, and walk through Walmart without the urge to touch everything I walked by.

I even recently found an old notebook of mine filled with stories and articles from my creative writing class in college. There was one assignment in which we had to look at ourselves in the mirror for 2 minutes and write down what we say, felt, and dreamed of. My poem was so graphic and negative I couldn't even write it out for you. I had such self-hate. I could love everyone, but myself. 

But listen guys. I've been doing this game of walking the borderline for the last 15 years. It's not fun. I hate it. And finally this week I just yelled and screamed to God and said, "PLEASE LORD! Help me! I cannot take it anymore."

This past week I realized that I needed to accept who I was. Craziness in all. I came upon this quote and coupled with something a sweet teenage boy said to me on a midnight car ride home my heart was softened towards myself. 

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

I am an acquired taste; I believe this. Why? Because not everyone is meant to be in my life so intimately that they can taste a piece of my heart (follow me) or get a glimpse of my thoughts or my spirit. I can give away joy, and happiness, and be there for others but I cannot always allow others to take from me in this way.

Shortly after reading this quote a teenage boy said something to me that encouraged me. James is my sister's boo-friend and one of the sweetest teenage boys I've met. We were talking about personalities and how we all influenced one another when I said, "I know I'm crazy, I hope it's not too much." He began to tell me that if it weren't for people like me the world would be boring for people like him.

"You have this energy; this energy that just attaches itself to people like me and helps us enjoy life more."

He's right. We all need each other. We all are different and we all offer something different for people. Why am I any different? I finally realized that truly, once and for all, I MUST be kind to myself. I woke up and looked in the mirror and decided to stay. I wasn't going to try and change myself anymore. I do think there is a level of discipline that comes with maturity and I have seen myself "calming" as I've gotten older but I'm not going to allow the harsh criticism of others to affect me so negatively. There are some who challenge me but than there are others who just want me to be something I'm not. 

Today I am going to be OK with who I am. Tomorrow I'm going to be OK. And the day after I will continue to look at myself lovingly and tell myself that I'm beautiful in God's sight. And that I'm not the person I once was.

1 comment:

  1. Amen Amen Amen!!!
    The Meg(an) I know and love is al the above.
    And I miss her.
    P.S. This is your favorite CT girl...or at least I used to be!!