No More Idols Pt.2

The out pour from my previous posts from woman after woman sharing their broken hearts has humbled me, greatly. It also has pissed me off. { This is a trend, eh? } The enemy has so quietly deceived our hearts as women into believing something that is a complete and utter lie.

When I wrote "No More Idols" I wrote it because I felt the Holy Spirit beckoning me to do it. And I'm trying to be super obedient { work in progress here}. What I didn't expect was a new burden for the hurting. Particularly with this topic.

You see the common theme from every women I spoke to had to deal with what we were seeking in a relationship, in a man, and the fear of not wanting to wait for the perfect person God has for us. Learn from me sisters. I urge you. I've allowed my willingness to love deep to cloud my judgment. And now I sit, two failed marriages under my belt, and part of me is so angry with myself I can barely write.

With that I have also heard the lies that some of these same men have told me. "No one will ever love you, want you, or your kids." Who wants a woman that has had two marriages fail?

Some of these woman have shared hurts so deep they see no hope for a future. Many of you believe that no man will ever want you. It's a lie. Draw your sword and cut the enemy deep. He wants you to live in a constant state of insecurity and fear and YOU don't have too.

The Lord has pressed it on my heart to share the things that I failed to look for in a spouse and I wanted to share them with you because many asked, "How do I even know if this person is it? How do I  NOT KNOW this person that I'm clinging on to isn't my one?"

I also want to speak to those woman (and men) who have stayed the course and remained pure and have waited for their spouse. It is easy to fall into the trap of falling for every person that comes your way, with hearts in your eyes, hoping they are your mate. It's OK to guard your heart deep. You must guard your heart.

Job 4:6 says, "Is not your reverence your confidence? And the integrity of your ways your hope?"

Your hope and your confidence comes from your integrity and the reverence you have given the Lord. He hears you and has not forgotten.

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So what should we be praying for? What should we not be looking for? Here are just a few things I felt compelled to share.

1. They must put Jesus first, forever. 

The greatest thing you will ever find in any kind of spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is someone who puts Jesus first and foremost above anything in their life. They must be consistently mediating on Him. Running after Him. If they do not have a solid relationship with the Lord they can never love you to the full extent possible.

Why? Because Jesus is love. And without Him we cannot love others. The most important relationship that any of us have is our personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. That relationship comes before all others. If our vertical relationship with the Lord is as it should be, then our horizontal relationships will reflect that reality. Therefore, a potential husband should be a man who has his focus upon walking in obedience to God's Word and who seeks to live so that his life brings glory to God

2. He must respect you and hold the gift of purity (towards you in high regard). He will wait.

Putting it frankly, a man who desires for you to be his wife, and a man who really loves you will encourage you to wait to be an intimate with him sexually until your wedding day. Why?

God designed sex to be enjoyed within a committed marital relationship. To remove it from that context is to pervert its use and severely limit its enjoyment. Sexual contact involves a level of intimacy not experienced in any other human relationship. When God brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, He established the “one flesh” relationship. Genesis 2:24 tells us that a man will leave his family, join to his wife, and become “one flesh” with her.

I did not wait with either of my previous spouses to have sex. I regret it with every fiber of my being. God has placed such a strong protection of purity now in my heart. I want to protect everyone. I don't want to be a stumbling block. It's hard to remain pure, but nothing comes easy. And how much more glorified will the Lord be if you wait until the day you marry to be intimate?

Casual sex is rampant in our society. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in having sex. Think of it this way.

 If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.

If you have engaged or are engaging in premarital sex, stop. You also need to know that you can adhere again with the Lord's help and when the time is right. I'm an extremely physical human being. Physical touch is my greatest love language and the way I feel love in the greatest way. I guard myself because I don't want to be tempted and fall into the enemies trap.

3. Consistently seeks guidance, Godly counsel, and mentorship. 

Men need other men. BAD. It is important that your man is wise in realizing he can’t carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. When he is surrounded by men who are older than him who can offer advice, prayer and mentorship, he can be a better husband to you. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15

5. He is slow to anger; but has a righteous anger when necessary. 

There is peace in knowing your man holds an even temperament even when he is provoked. A man who allows his feelings, emotions and anger to determine his actions typically has tarnished relationships and is not a healthy place for you or a family. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18

Also remember though that there is a time and a place for a righteous anger. Jesus got angry in temple for a very GOOD purpose. Your future spouse will understand that there is a different between being sinful and angry and having a righteous anger.

6. He is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being. 

I hated when a guy I was dating exposed my embarrassing moments or the private matters of our relationship with his friends. Picking on you may seem cute and funny at first, but it will get old after a while. You should feel honored and safe knowing you can always trust your future spouse to cover and speak well of you.

There will be a time where you will need to seek guidance from close friends or mentors on a situation but in group settings is not the place or time. Discernment is essential to when to speak or when to remain quiet.


|| And lastly for now I leave you with this || 

7. He pursues and loves you passionately.

The man you marry should make you feel loved like you’ve never felt before. Safe, accepted, desired, nurtured, protected and comforted. Jesus loves us deeply, he loves us so fiercely, that he willingly gave up his life to save us.

Jacob loved Rachel so much that he worked for seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love, his heart was deeply rooted in the fact that THIS was going to be his wife, that it felt like just a few days. Your future spouse should love you so much that even if it takes eight years for you to get married, he'll wait. She'll wait. And when it finally comes to fruition it will have felt like a week. Patience is extremely hard, sometimes frustrating, but the taste of winning in patience is the sweetest taste you'll ever experience.

He should also be consistently romancing you and learning about you. Getting married or finding your soul mate doesn't end your seeking stage, it gives you more room to seek harder. Romance is essential in this.

I know women who feel guilty or wrong for desiring romance in their relationship, as if they don’t deserve it. { LIES! You do deserve it! } But God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2 “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6.

All marriage is, is a friendship set on fire. The best marriages that I've ever encountered started with two people becoming best friends - spending time together, doing fun things together, learning about each other, supporting each other.


And lastly....he should be able to humble himself and admit when he's wrong. There is nothing worse than a petty conflict blowing out of porportion because your partner refuses to admit they were wrong. Taking responsibility for his actions and apologizing for his mistakes is the sign of a real man. (Proverbs 16:18) No person will be perfect and grace is a beautiful thing that makes relationships flourish.

Lets wait.

No More Idols

Let it go....let it go....God I am so sick of hearing that song. It plays every where and gets stuck in your head at the worst moment. No, I'm not letting it go. Well I'm letting this song go. But nothing else.

This has been my attitude for years. On one certain issue that I was hoarding. It was mine. No one could take it, steal it, make me give it up. No, not even the Lord.

I was "stuck" in a spell. I was emotionally attached to someone. It was unhealthy for me but I held on because this relationship was a hope for me regarding love and romance. I thought the picture that was painted (sadly by my own hands) was what true love and romance was. That if I let go of this connection (I am talking 15 years of emotional attachment) that I would never experience another connection like this. I mean, come on, who LOVES someone for 15 years without ever knowing if that person loves you back?

Me.

    I'm crazy. I love so deeply that it blinds me to reality. This connection was not even rooted in any kind of sexual or physical sense either. Why? We had never done anything sexual or physical. It was completely motivated by a chemistry and connection intellectually. Emotionally.

        It's not about sex for me. Sex is great in the right context { married people say "AMEN!" } but for me the foreplay of anything physical comes from a connection emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. { Is it ok that I'm being real here? Using words like foreplay and sex? }

I'm taking a risk and being bold but these subjects have to be talked about. I know I can't be the only one that hasn't let something "go."

//

Several times in those years I heard God say, "Let it go." { God created those lyrics you know....} But I couldn't. I would literally argue with Him.

"You don't understand Lord. YOU DON'T. He's never hurt me. He cares for me. He's always been there. Over the years we've always found our way back." Because all of the men in my life has hurt me, abused me, taken advantage, and this guy hadn't I wanted to hold on to the only perception of love in the natural that I could....But than it got serious.

In late September I joined a small group by a good friend of mine Danny. The VERY first meet, the meet and greet, the conviction of God came so strongly over me that I cried the entire way home. I couldn't shake this conviction. Every where I went God would confirm with me that it was time. That I needed to do it. // Now, He was being daddy. He spoke to me clearly and said that I had allowed this person to become an addiction.

An idol.

          He was a drug. Whenever life got lonely, bad, happy, whatever....I would inject thoughts of this relationship and it's possibilities or even memories into my mind and would get a "high" off of those thoughts.

Don't be confused....I really cared about this person. I even loved him. I love people a lot as it is but when I really love someone I give my entire being. It can be very overwhelming to some; especially those that don't understand that I don't just love to love. Those who I am vulnerable with are special. I don't get vulnerable often.

 The Lord told me that night, clearly, to cut off this relationship. Not just that, but He told me some other very specific things that I needed to change. He wanted to take me deeper, bring me closer, make me completely new. Life was about to get REAL ya'll.

So I did what any other addict would do. I ignored Him and kept His instruction to let go to myself. I went an ENTIRE week without mentioning His instructions to anyone.

Then the next meeting came. And I shared with the group (Aaron and Danny mainly) what God had asked of me. And Aaron, being Aaron, made mention of how I distrust the Lord. By not letting it go I was saying, "God, I don't trust that you have my best interest at heart." God knew I needed Aaron when I did because now the conviction { and accountability to being obedient } was even stronger.

But still. I held on to it. I didn't let it go. I didn't remove him from facebook or my phone. Even though we hadn't talked in a long time....I knew I had a constant way of contact if I needed it. It was comfortable.

But then God. God gave me a dream and I shared it with my two friends. And Aaron, again being Aaron, said...."..So apparently you are willing to do whatever it takes to save others but when it comes to you there are still idols...?"

 Yes. I hate seeing others hurt. I want to help. But my own life? I thought I knew what was best. I was so wrong and deceived and through a broken heart and weepy tears I let it go. Reading Aaron's words were super powerful because I felt completely exposed. I felt like Aaron could see my soul. It made me want to run.

You see I was using the idea of this relationship and of possibly loving this guy and him loving me as an idol to keep faith in love in general. But JESUS is love. He is the ONLY love I can learn from. The only love I can lean in.

Someone today needs to do what I do. You need to know that it's going to be ok. I'm not even a week in to letting it go and the excitement I feel for the new season ahead is beyond what I can describe. I have no idea why I did this now. After 15 years of saying no why now. What is so different now. I'm more mature, sure, but something came over me so strongly that first night....and never left me. I felt God saying, "Meg, you have to. The time cannot wait any longer."

It's time my friend. Whomever you are, whatever you are hoarding, it's time to let it go. God will never ask you to give up something just because. He always knows what's best for you, and will always provide for you. For me I needed to learn that what I thought was love wasn't even what it was. It was an unhealthy idea of love and now I can re-learn what love is by pressing into my true love and lover, Jesus.

I also want to encourage you that if you are letting go of a relationship or a person sometimes depending on the circumstances a conversation is not always necessary. If it's an unhealthy dating relationship just tell them, "Look, God is calling me away from this." If it's a situation like mine remove them from social media. Delete them from your phone.

If it's an addiction or a sin, find accountability. Join a support group. Surround yourself with people who will HELP you let it go. When you finally do, HAVE A PARTY. This is a big deal. This unhealthy soul tie I've carried for 15 years released me for something so great God hasn't even shared it with me yet. { God I can't wait to find out all the secrets }

Now that I've let it go. I'm waiting. I have no idea for what. But God has giving me two words for this new season: patience & hope. So I'm going to focus on those. Patience and hope.

What is God giving to you, asking you to take away? Let it go.

The Great Wedding

From the time I was young, like most young girls, I dreamt of my wedding day. Not the children. Not the house. Not the career. I dreamed of my prince. I wondered what he would look like, how he would smell, what he would be like and if he'd love me as much as I felt like I already loved him.

I knew what colors I wanted my theme to be, how I wanted my hair, and what my wedding day attire would be. I wasn't your average girl though. I didn't crave glitz and glamour. I graved a chemistry, a passion, a desire for one another. I craved something deep.

Then I found myself in a place where my first marriage ended. It was a bad, abusive situation and I felt set free from the bondage of slavery when I started healing from it.

I had two children (One from my ex-husband and one from my current husband) and found myself wondering how I made things so twisted.

Then I met my current husband Tony. I thought things surely are going to be different. I won't fall into this generational cycle of man after man; men who hurt me and take advantage of my passion and my desire to want something deeper.

Sadly, I am now "alone" again. In a season of frustration I just cried out to God.....WHY?! The dream wedding I had always desired....it's never going to happen.

You see I always wanted to marry my spouse in a beautiful ceremony near some gorgeous waterfall in the woods. It would be an intimate ceremony with our family and a few select close friends surrounding us. We would proclaim our love for Christ and our love for one another and than after sharing our vows and saying "I do" we would jump.

Why jump? I know that marriage is not easy. Marriage can be fun. Marriage can bring you into a place of the unknown. And marriage is risky. But as long as you and your spouse are there for one another, and you go together, move together, than you can make it. If Christ is at the center, it's almost impossible for it end in a divorce. Will you hurt? Absolutely. Will you need to forgive often? Yes. But with Christ, He can help you in all of that.

The waterfall has yet to happen. The attire not ordered. The men just keep leaving. I relate to beauty and the beast not because I am Belle but because I feel like the Beast. An ugly creature stuck in a spell.

Then God. Yes, my precious heavenly father got a hold of me this week. He gently nudged me and said, "You have to break this cycle." I prayed fervently and repented on behalf of previous generations and said, "No more." It's extremely difficult for me because as "hard core" as I seem, and I am, I desire so deeply to have that earthly marriage that you so often hear about in movies. The romance that knocks people off their feet. And a man who just wants to be with me because he loves me and not because he wants anything.

Then the Lord had me come across this verse.

2 Corinthians 11:2-3 For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your mind may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

I had been deceived. I thought....I'll never have that wedding. I'll never have that man. But Jesus was saying, "Meg, you had me all along! I've been here all along. I love you." Jesus is the greatest lover any woman could ever ask for.

I'm resolved.

           If I were to be alone on this earth for the remainder of my days.

                         I will be fine.

I will be happy. I will be joy filled. I will have peace. Because I am planning the greatest wedding of all time. The return of my prince. My lover. My king! He is coming to take me home and I need to be ready. I have much to do to prepare for His arrival. The wedding of the eternity and this guy, this King, has chosen me. He's chosen ME. He loves ME. He desires ME.

And He wants you.

If the earthly stuff comes, great, if not, great too. I'm finally in a season where I realize my worth. My value to Him. It's so freeing. You can have this. Any of you. He wants you too.

New Season

God's timing is always perfect.

No. Really. It is.

For the last three years I've poured my entire ministry devotion into the kids ministry at my local church. Serving pretty much every weekend to the kids in some sort of fashion. I know this is what God was calling me into and what He was telling me to do. Those kids taught me more about God, myself, and confidence then anyone or anything I've ever done. They loved me with a pure Christ like love that I have never experienced before serving them.

But God has called me away and I've stepped down from my position in Leadership at FHKids as well as moved away from serving in FHKids It's time for something new.

What is this newness? What is God asking of me?

Just as we are entering into the start of Autumn and things around us will begin to die and fall off (God prunes nature throughout the seasons) God is bringing me into the exact same season. He is pruning me. Some of this means a shift in relationships (letting go of some or setting boundaries in others), He's calling me to step out and do things I didn't think I'd do for a long time (getting a part-time job working outside of my business and home)...

So many pieces that God is shifting. It can be painful. 

But I wanted you to hear this from me. This is good for me. This is a good season. And while pruning hurts I am going to come out in the Spring time after these next few months stronger, bolder, and more refreshed than ever. 

I love the fact that Autumn is such a beautiful and colorful season too. I love how right before everything dies in Winter and becomes so bare it SCREAMS life. What is more colorful than bright red, orange, and yellow leaves? It says, "Look at me!" It's as though God is saying, "LOOK AT ME!" Sometimes our focus is so much on what we are doing and not the person we should be doing it for (this can be for anyone not just our walk with the Lord) that we miss why we are doing what we are doing. I'm taking my focus more off of the what and focusing on the who.

God knows my heart well because while He's pulled me away from serving in kids ministry He hasn't pulled me away from serving entirely. To be honest I believe that would be unbiblical. We are to be servants all the time; in our families, in our communities, even in our church.

I'm moving more towards community service and delivering God's great love and what He's done in my life to those who are far less fortunate. It starts with my birthday charity project and will just extend from there. I also have chosen not to serve as much. My community projects will take up less time giving me the opportunity to focus on my children, my work, and my walk. I feel excited. I know that God doesn't ever just put us through a difficult and challenging season without using that for His glory.

So while I won't see your kiddos every weekend know that I will continue to pray for them daily and weekly like I did before. God has given me a fresh and clear vision of this next year and I'm extremely excited to see where He brings me within this colorful season.

Random Thoughts of the Insane

I have ten blog posts saved. Ten that I've been trying to write for the last three months. Ten that I'm not passionate enough about to finish, push publish, or even scan through for a good edit.

What is going on with me?

These days there seems to be more work than time; more frustration and growth than smooth sailing. Its necessary, I get it. Really, I get it. But sometimes it just....sucks.

I don't want frustration anymore.

    I want to be able to finish a blog post.

          I don't want to look at my children and feel like I'm failing them every | single | day.

                   And I don't want to come home to see laundry piled up, dishes needing to be done.

Then there is God. Sovereign. Holy. Perfect. I feel so comforted when I'm in His presence {yes, hard to believe this sinner reads her Bible daily}. There is this perfect tension between Him and my flesh; many believers even non-believers feel it. This invisible string that is pulling me in towards deep water, crashing waves, and even though He is there, my flesh screams "GO!"

Then there is me. Meg. Oh dear Lord there is Meg. If I were to die tomorrow I often wonder what people would say. What my non-beating heart would say. What picture, story, would it tell? Will I be leaving a legacy that my children will be proud to follow?

Those blog posts are just sitting....and random thoughts like these are just bursting throughout my brain. Each little box that I have stored in there with information has wrangled it's way open and have mixed themselves up. A little tiny Meg {because there is one who lives in there to keep everything organized} is frantic trying to pick these exploded pieces up.

Then I stop. Like today. And realize, this is real life. What I struggle with, what I feel...it's real life. How many other Christians, atheists, children even, want to go towards the water even though you know it's deep and you will sink? How many other leaders in high positions want to talk about real life struggles and can't for fear of persecution, judgment, and removal of position?

Everyone has a disciple they relate too. Mine is 100% Peter. Oh Peter. My sweet Peter. We would have been earthly besties if you and I were alive in the same era. Peter is super great because despite the fact that he lets just anything fly out of his mouth {we absolutely have that in common} he was told by Jesus that "you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it." {Matthew 16:18}.

Despite all of the stupid things Peter did {remember how he denied Christ THREE times?} Jesus still said that he was Peter. He was who he was and that God would still use him. So why am I writing all of these crazy, out of nowhere thoughts?

Someone needs to know today that you can be used by God....right where you are at. Don't let the enemy fool you into thinking that just because you aren't perfect and just because you make mistakes that God wouldn't use you. Because He can. He will. If you will let him.

I love this guy named Ananias (not the one who was killed for sin, ha!). God needed Ananias....

Acts 9:10 Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus named Ananias; and to him the Lord said in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.”

That's all it takes. Sinner, Holy, Crazy or Insane, if you are willing, He is ready. We should always aim for Holiness but there are times we slip and there is grace and God can still use you. So...be willing.

It's a.....

My teenager went off to epic camp today. I've walked past her room several times, peeked in and smiled. It's different having your sister live with you but feeling such motherly feelings. I am not her mother. We have that. I just know this kid is amazing and different and I get the privilege of guiding her these next two years through high school.

I've also been trying to write this blog post for a week. It's a good way to get things "out in the air." I know Grace and I have talked about this post and she was excited to hear that I would write it. She wanted me to write out a few things from her heart too.

Grace has come to stay with me since she was 10 during the summers. At first it started as a week and than two weeks and than before I knew it she would stay the entire summer. Having her and my other sister Mary-Ann here was always really fun. Even though we live only five hours apart I was always so busy with work, school or children to barely get home to see them through the year. Having them here in the summer was a quiet reminder that we would have time together and our bond would be secure.

The idea of her moving in with me has kind of always been there. Grace and I have a special bond; we do share a birthday (10 years apart). She and I had a conversation when she was in elementary school about her coming to live with me and I had "promised" her that if she wanted to come she could.

When the idea of her moving up here came up I was instantly excited. I knew that she would love it here. It's a bigger city (she's like me and loves the city) and she has a bit of roots here since she's been coming here so often since she was 10. We began to pray about it and knew that she was meant to come here. We kept it very quiet. Not because we weren't excited but because we knew people would think we were "crazy" and we did not want fleshly opinions to hinder us from doing what God wanted.

So she moved here. You are probably wondering why? A lot of people have asked me why. A lot of people have assumed they knew why. So lets clear things up.

Grace did not move here because she's a bad teenager. In fact, not to brag, but my teenager is probably one of the most amazing teens I've ever met. She's so thoughtful, kind, and compassionate. She's the most grateful teenager I've ever met. She never asks for anything above the essentials and is always thankful and says thank you when we buy her something that is more of a pleasure than a need. Not to mention this girl is brilliant. She always gets straight A's and is in honor classes at school. She is self-motivated and strong.

Grace did not move her because her parents don't love her. For those who may not know we have the same mother but different fathers. She was living with her father when we approached him on her moving up here. Her moving here is not because he or my mom doesn't love her. It's because it's what God wants. Sometimes you don't always have to understand, you just have to move your feet and go.

Grace knows that she is called by God for something extremely great. She wants to walk the road that God leads to bring here there and a move to Charlotte was apart of that path. She loves it here. Has great support from all her family and is very happy.

I love that I get to see this teenager grow. I miss her when she's gone. She makes me want to be better; do better, be more responsible. She's beautiful, beyond beautiful, and so talented at anything she puts her heart into.

Welcome to the Martino Family Grace. We love you so, so, so much.

Tattoo Musings

Last night I embarked on a three hour journey to get a cover up tattoo. This replaced the stupid little Chinese symbol I had gotten on my right shoulder when I was seventeen. My tattoo artist, Michael, did a phenomenal job. He seriously blew my mind with how well the first part of the piece turned out.

Anyways, during the work my thoughts were racing (well technically when are my thoughts not racing?). I was just thinking of some things I had experienced in my childhood, specifically that related to me as a woman. I told Michael this story....

When I was eight years old I had a really good friend who lived in the neighborhood with me. I was never a girly girl. Or woman for that matter until I became a single mom honestly (so age 22?). This girl and I used to ride our bikes up and down dirt hills, etc. Well one day we both decided we wanted to play princesses/castle. A typical game for young ladies. Well during this game I made the comment to her that, "I was a real princess because my daddy was Jesus and He was a king." So calmly and so matter-of-fact my friend replied, "Meg, you can't be a real princess because you aren't beautiful."

Wooh. Right? What can you say as an eight year old girl? I couldn't say anything. In fact, I went home and cried and told my mom about it. Years ago when I was really dealing with self esteem issues this came up and I realized that this statement was truly the start of my self-doubt.

Thankfully God has restored me of those self-doubts. Honestly, I know I'm beautiful now. I have favorite parts about me (my eyes being one and my personality another). But I also love my compassion and general genuine feelings towards everyone. I genuinely love people and I genuinely want to see people happy.

There was a challenge going around facebook to post four or five of your favorite photos that made you feel the most beautiful. It made me think that being beautiful isn't just on the surface. Sure I know that, but others don't. It made think of many of the girls I encounter and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL!" Your beauty doesn't have to match mine. Your personality doesn't have to be my kind of personality; you are still beautiful and you are still unique. Beautiful simply means, "Pleasing the senses."

So with this challenge I started looking at photos. The first one that made me feel the most beautiful was of me laboring with Sophia in the bath tub. Why? I did it naturally and without her father there. I had my mother and a friend, but it's not the same. When I look at this picture I feel brave. I feel beautiful because I did it. I labored with Sophia for over 36 hours and she came out face up (one of the most difficult ways to push a child out) and I did it. I'm pleased.

Then I thought of the picture of me crying after a very emotionally painful day. My vulnerability wasn't my strong point but I made it a point to snap a photo of myself and share it with the world. I realized the longer I lived the more beautiful life became; I became. If I foolishly ignore this beauty I would soon find myself without it.

I love this photo of my two youngest sisters and I. I feel beautiful when I'm with them. They bring out a confidence in me that far exceeds what I can do myself. I think it is because I want them to see just how beautiful they are. And sometimes the best way to show someone that is by being confident yourself. I want my sisters to know that every day will not be good, but you can always find something beautiful in each day.

So with that, and those three simple photos, I don't know why I'm writing this blog post specifically. I think maybe a young lady needs to hear this....you are beautiful. You are unique. Even when you see someone that seems "hotter" or more "desirable" remember that those who value you will see the beauty inside of you and not compare you to the girl next to you. You may not be where I am right now but you can be closer to that point of confidence each and every day.

I know I don't have the best teeth, or the best legs, or even the fittest abs. But what I do know is that no one, no one in this entire world, is exactly like me. Why would I sacrifice myself and this world of a beauty that I can offer that no one else can? I believe in extraordinary things. I believe in romance. I believe in Jesus. I believe in being crazy and not caring what the neighbor next to me thinks. I believe that I offer something beautiful to each person I meet. And I believe that beautiful people just don't happen, they are created.

Today, embrace YOUR beauty.

Brave with Fear

I'm afraid of heights. Deathly afraid. I cannot even climb a step ladder without getting anxious. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that heights are high. Or scary. Or I'm a just a "scurrdy" cat. Regardless, I'm mortified.

Two of the things that scare me most regarding heights are bridges and Ferris wheels. Why? Well bridges that are high and travel over a body of water is seriously dangerous. If the bridge collapses you die, right? And Ferris Wheels, seriously. Who and why do woman think it's romantic to take a ride on something that isn't sturdy and is dangerously high? If you fall, well that's likely the end of your romantic date.

These fears are blown up significantly in my mind. It's very unlikely that I will drive over a bridge and it will collapse. It's also very unlikely that I will die riding in a circle on a Ferris Wheel. But I've just never overcome these things. When I drive over bridges I have mini panic attacks if my head is not between legs. It's crazy, ridiculous but a coping mechanism. 

This vacation changed my perspective though on fear and bravery. You see I always thought in order to be "brave" I had to be fearless.  Even Websters dictionary defines fearless as "free from fear, very brave." So for sure in my mind I'm thinking, "I cannot have any fear in order to be brave." 

But bravery is not always with a lack of fear. And being brave is not always beauty, muscles, and swords. Bravery is messy. In fact, sometimes it's flat out ugly. People have died showing bravery. 

Websters describes bravery like this: ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. 

Being brave doesn't mean you don't feel anything. Most people who are brave experience a lot of pain and they know what's coming. They know that what they are about to do is either scary, or they have fear, or simply just plain anxious. 

My family and I went to Navy Pier here in Chicago. Of course one of the greatest attractions there was this giant Ferris Wheel. And of course everyone wanted to go on it. In fact, Tony bought the tickets without even consulting me first. I had no choice but to ride. 

Sometimes, when fear creeps in we need someone to push us into our moment of bravery. If my kids were not present and Tony had not already spent the money I would have easily walked away. There would be nothing encouraging me to get on. 

We waited in line and my nerves were already shot. My kids where there though and I had to try and remain strong, brave for them. I didn't feel overly anxious or scared honestly. I just knew that I wasn't sure how I was going to react. I haven't been on a Ferris Wheel since I was a young child. This wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to be brave. I didn't feel brave. I felt weak. 

But being brave isn't about being strong. It's showing enough courage to know that you might face pain, fear, or a tough situation but still moving forward. Being brave is about admitting that you are messy, that you cannot do it alone. That you need a push.

On we went. This 7.5 minute ride was going to be the LONGEST ride of my life. Within minutes I was gripping the sides of the ride like I was dying. The cage felt like it was getting smaller. I was a mess. I was crying and could barely breathe. I realized quickly and told Grace quickly that I was in a full blown panic attack. 

In this moment I realized I'm a mess. Make up stains on my face and I look stupid, immature and dumb to everyone around me. But these people are not in the same season as I. They don't know what it took for me to jump on to this cage. To get into this box. To face my fear. Yes, I may not be standing, viewing the city skyline. But I'm here...and I'm rising. And that's what bravery is about.

Bravery is about rising. And rising is not always good looking or great feeling. Bravery is having people in your corner who will laugh with you, (laugh at you), rub your knee, and tell you to breathe. Bravery is conquering your fear even if it means feeling fearful while you do it. 

Tonight my youngest reconfirmed how I felt about bravery. We went to the country and visited a carnival. At the very end of the night she had just enough tickets left to go into the fun house. It wasn't scary. It had lots of little neat things kids climbed, went through, etc to get to the end. She went in with Grace and when she came out she was crying and saying, "It was scary." I looked her in the eye and said, "You are so brave Sophia, you did it!" She replied, "I'm not brave. I'm sad mom." 

My heart. Oh my bursting heart. God knew exactly what I needed to say because before I could process I responded with, "Sophia, being brave has nothing to do with how we feel in that moment. You were in the fun house and even though you felt sad and scared, you finished it. You did it. You were brave." 

Sometimes being brave needs to trump our feelings. If it never did we would never do things that made us brave. Brave is a something we do, not something we feel.

Sing to my Tune

The first semester I started college I took a physical education course. I did it as one of my electives and thought it would be an easy class. The first day the professor said that the person who could describe love the best (it would be peer voted) would receive exemption from the final exam and that would be a 100%. I listened intently to everyone's definitions of love and while they were good they didn't seem to fit.

Then came my turn. I stood and said this:

Two people who are in love have moved into a beautiful home next to some railroad tracks. They go on and on throughout the days, weeks, years, living here, life seems normal. They haven't really experienced any trains disturbing them and have thought the track was no longer in use. They are playing a tune with their love....the melody is perfect and they are singing along together. Their favorite song.

One day, out of no where, a large train starts going across the tracks. The home starts to shake and both of them look terrified. They both continue to sing, continue to dance to this tune but not without thinking, "Is the other on tune? Are they singing the right lyrics? Are we still singing together?"

Finally the train has gone completely pass. The house starts shaking and the couple realizes immediately that they are still singing the same exact song and not just that they are on the same exact lyric and their tune is perfect. Despite this rocky moment they are one.

I won. And even though my professor (he was a personal health trainer too) pushed me throughout the entire semester he did what he said and I was not required to take the final exam and received a 100%.

I've been thinking of this analogy a lot lately. How true is it really? It's lovely to think of. To think that when we are in a relationship we are both singing and swaying to the same melody, the same beat, the same song. However, what happens to those who don't even like the same music? What happens to the marriages and the relationships in which the train stops and you realize you were never singing the same song in the first place?

In our society and in our day in age we have forgotten how important it is to realize that while love is beautiful - it's hard. You cannot be everything someone needs. Only Christ can. You cannot change a person when they prefer country music over R&B. It's so important to make sure that the one you are with is going to be OK with singing the same song; and if you are singing a song they don't prefer why not compromise.

Love is beautiful. I'm secretly a die hard romantic. I dream of romance, think of romance, and pray that I get to experience romance on a daily basis. But I also have to be OK with the idea that romance isn't in flowers, or love notes, or sex. Love is a choice. It's an action to be shown.

When that couple was hearing that train go by, feeling the house shake, they had to choose to continue singing. They had to choose to hang on, to allow the time with the noise and the unknown to grow them. Where do you need to grow?

Runner

I was always a pretty thin child, in fact, I would call myself the cutest child out of the eight of us. It wasn't until puberty that my body changed so quickly I could barely keep up. What should have and should always be a normal change in an adolescence's life quickly became a nightmare for me. I hated everything about my changing body, including the fact that I just couldn't eat what I wanted to anymore.

Around this same time (I was 11-years-old) I began dancing. I didn't dance for but a few years but learned quickly that in this type of field you needed to be skinny. This is when I got my first real taste of any type of eating disorder "lifestyle." For those who may have not really talked with someone who has had a serious eating disorder this is how we view our disease. We view it as a way of living. We view it as a way to control something when everything else seems to have gone through our fingertips; it's a way to keep something even if it's toxic.

So I started an anorexic lifestyle. I started by limiting my intake to 500 calories a day. This included an apple with a teaspoon of peanut butter, 1 piece of dried toast, and 2 diet sodas. I did this for several weeks with very few cheats in between. I started noticing changes within that week. I was thinning out and people were actually liking me more. There is something so wrong about this concept. The fact that people just like attractive and thinner people more. Maybe they seem more inviting? I don't know what it is, all I knew was that I liked the attention and that the more people complimented me on my weight loss the more I wanted it.

But. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely love food. Like a lot. I love the textures. I love the smells. I love the different spices and combinations. I love to eat. I like to try new foods. This can be a big set back to any person trying to cut back their food. Within this time I started researching online different eating disorders. It was easy to research "pro-ana and pro-mia" sites. These were sites that were designed to encourage young men and woman (teenagers and anyone really) to continue on in this toxic lifestyle. They had "thinspiration" articles and pictures and even tips on how to get away with starving yourself or throwing up.

Thing it hit me. I could become bulimic. It sounded like the best of both worlds in regards to losing weight but still being able to "enjoy" food. But I also loved the control and power I felt by not eating. I decided to do both. I'd see how long I could go restricting my calorie intake/starving and than when I would have a binge (think hundreds of calories at a time) I'd throw it up.

Eventually binging and purging became my norm. I would eat and than have to go to the bathroom because my body became accustomed to just...throwing up. I lived this way from the age of 13 all the way up until I got pregnant with my first child, Kaidance. When I first got pregnant with her I was binging and purging after every meal. My OBGYN said I had to stop otherwise I could kill her. So I did. But it was so hard. I wanted to be thinner, skinny....I knew this child was going to change my body shape forever. And she did. Everything expanded. And I hated it.

As soon as she was born I went right back to my destructive and toxic lifestyle. This continued into my pregnancy with my second child Sophia. I was much worse in controlling my urges to starve/binge with her. While I rarely binged and purged there where times where I would go days without eating more than 300-500 calories. At one point Tony was nervous to leave me alone for Christmas (he went to see his family while I had to work) because he was afraid I would starve myself and hurt Sophia. God is so good and gracious in the fact that he spared her heath in all the stupid decisions I made in my pregnancy with her. Let me stress.....I was not starving myself to hurt her, or myself on purpose. Controlling what I ate, how I ate, when I ate, and even the amount that I ate was a control thing for me. I couldn't control certain areas (a lot of areas) in my life and so I controlled food.

I finally, after a lot of prayer and counseling was able to get this under control. Then I got pregnant with my third child Joseph. Even though God had healed me the temptation to fall back into this lifestyle is very real for me. It would be a lie to say that I don't go through seasons where I rarely eat. It's a way for me to cope with my stress and sometimes in extremely sad times or low periods in my life I will use this as a way to deal. God is always reminding me of my worth, and that my health is extremely important to Him. This includes how I eat.

This was heavily laid on my heart this past year after having Joseph. I started feeling those toxic feelings creep back in. I hate being unhealthy. I hate not being able to fit into my clothes and I hate being tired. I started working out in October of 2013 and thought, "I am going to be pre-pregnancy weight before he's one." When I gave birth to Joseph I weighed 210 pounds. Yep, I did. When I started my weight loss journey I weighed 195. 

I did really well from October to January. Really well. But than I started slacking off. I managed to lose 25lbs. I got done to 170. But I still felt blah. I began to try and discover what worked for me. Than I thought, "Why not give running a try, again." I ran with a running group at a local college I attended back when I was 16 (I graduated high school at 15) and so I knew that I could run, I just didn't know after all these years if I would be good at running. So I started running again.

I realized quickly that I'm not a good runner. I actually really suck at it. But I love it. When I run I forget everything around me. I only hear the music in my hears, I only feel the wind on my face.....I can hear the pitter patter of my feet and I feel as though I'm flying. I feel invincible.

I also started seriously weight lifting. I do a rotation. I do arms, legs, full body, arms and legs. There is something so empowering about working your muscles and your body. Pushing yourself to an extreme that you couldn't imagine. I've never been more fit and happy in all of my life.

Today I stand weighing 150. It's not about the weight though. I'm a toned size 7 and have tons of energy. I run, and even though I suck, I keep at it because sometimes we have to do things we aren't very good at it. Eventually though those things become our greatest adventures; our greatest strengths. He perfect his power in our weaknesses and when I'm running (I'm ready to go right now) I know that He is working in me the power to move past toxic thoughts of health, and starvation. I don't want to hang my head over a toilet anymore. I'm worth much more than that.

Meg

Semi-Normal

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” 

― Marilyn Monroe

I don't know why but the enemy always thinks he's going to take me out through attacking my identity/security. Seriously you guys, it's getting to be a little ridiculous.

I'm a photographer and dozens of times throughout the month I encounter seriously beautiful people. Some of these people are so genuinely beautiful inside and out it's hard for me to snap the pictures with gawking or complimenting in overkill. Most of my models (models are people I ask to take photos) are not just beautiful in the physical either. Their personalities are beautiful and anyone who knows me knows I'm in awe of such beautiful people. Why though?

Hi, I'm Meg and I struggle with insecurity. My insecurity is not rooted in thinking I'm not pretty (I believe that) nor is it in my identity (well, kind of). I struggle with just being truly comfortable in my skin. I'm as someone recently put it "an acquired taste." You either love me or hate me and most of the time I rarely meet someone who feels somewhat in the middle on that line. I have a strong personality and this both gets me in trouble and brings peace; which at times is very confusing.

So who is Meg? I'm this ambitious, wild, vivacious, LOUD, awkward, clumsy, cheerful, creative, determined, devout, energetic, generous, excited, humorous, sarcastic, loyal, crazy, lighthearted, joy-filled, peaceful, plain, tomboyish yet classy, compassionate, genuine, giving, sacrificial, crazy and free spirited almost 27-year-old coffee addict who has tried everything in her will to change her personality. Literally. Sometimes I don't want to be an acquired taste. Sometimes I just want to be.....semi-normal. I want to be the type of person people don't have to tell to quiet down, or to chill out, or to be still. I don't want to always have to hear, "I wonder about you, Meg."

I want to just be funny without being loud, and sarcastic without hurting anyone's feelings, and walk through Walmart without the urge to touch everything I walked by.

I even recently found an old notebook of mine filled with stories and articles from my creative writing class in college. There was one assignment in which we had to look at ourselves in the mirror for 2 minutes and write down what we say, felt, and dreamed of. My poem was so graphic and negative I couldn't even write it out for you. I had such self-hate. I could love everyone, but myself. 

But listen guys. I've been doing this game of walking the borderline for the last 15 years. It's not fun. I hate it. And finally this week I just yelled and screamed to God and said, "PLEASE LORD! Help me! I cannot take it anymore."

This past week I realized that I needed to accept who I was. Craziness in all. I came upon this quote and coupled with something a sweet teenage boy said to me on a midnight car ride home my heart was softened towards myself. 

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am an acquired taste; I believe this. Why? Because not everyone is meant to be in my life so intimately that they can taste a piece of my heart (follow me) or get a glimpse of my thoughts or my spirit. I can give away joy, and happiness, and be there for others but I cannot always allow others to take from me in this way.

Shortly after reading this quote a teenage boy said something to me that encouraged me. James is my sister's boo-friend and one of the sweetest teenage boys I've met. We were talking about personalities and how we all influenced one another when I said, "I know I'm crazy, I hope it's not too much." He began to tell me that if it weren't for people like me the world would be boring for people like him.

"You have this energy; this energy that just attaches itself to people like me and helps us enjoy life more."

He's right. We all need each other. We all are different and we all offer something different for people. Why am I any different? I finally realized that truly, once and for all, I MUST be kind to myself. I woke up and looked in the mirror and decided to stay. I wasn't going to try and change myself anymore. I do think there is a level of discipline that comes with maturity and I have seen myself "calming" as I've gotten older but I'm not going to allow the harsh criticism of others to affect me so negatively. There are some who challenge me but than there are others who just want me to be something I'm not. 

Today I am going to be OK with who I am. Tomorrow I'm going to be OK. And the day after I will continue to look at myself lovingly and tell myself that I'm beautiful in God's sight. And that I'm not the person I once was.

Be Still, Quiet

Every May my voice box seems to take a vacation. Not kidding. I can literally feel it disappearing. So, last week, it started packing. I get this tickle in the back of my throat, it's not painful, it doesn't hurt, it just feels different. Eventually over the course of a week I lose little by little until eventually you cannot hear me at all.

This started last Wednesday. Let me say too, that I hate losing my voice. I'm a talker naturally (what woman isn't?) but I also love to sing and worship and when I lose my voice I typically lose all of it so even trying to talk is a bit painful because it's straining my vocal chords.

I found it intriguing though that my voice would start disappearing during a week where I began to speak privately some things over my life that I ought not too. I started saying things to myself like, "You are not a good enough mom. You are not a good enough photographer, you will never make it." During this time others were speaking these things into my life; some of those "other people" were close friends or even family members. Isn't it something when those you think are for you seem to turn so quickly against you?

I felt like I went from a run to a crawl. Within a day. How could someone so confident become so doubtful? What would others think of me if they knew that I wasn't always confident or happy? I'm not perfect, but I always feel this pressure of seeming to be. I don't want something I'm struggling with to deter others from the Lord I only want to allow my life, words and actions to bring people closer to Him. I believe this is my biggest purpose.

Well. God understands and knows that I'm not perfect. Still I took the words and promises God had placed over MY life and said, "Look God, it's not enough. I'm not enough. I don't believe you." 

BOOM. Voice gone.

Luke 1:19 "And the angel answered and said to him, "I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God, and was sent to speak to you and bring you these glad tidings. BUT behold, you will be mute and not able to speak until the day when these things take place, because you did not believe MY words which will be fulfilled in their own time."

I'm not the only one who doubts. Lets break this down. Zacharias was doubtful that his wife would bear a child because they were old and his wife had been barren. I love Gabriel's reply. He so firmly and lovingly told Zach (that's what it's abbreviated too right?!) that what was meant to be a day filled with glad tidings and joy was now going to be a quiet day for him because he had doubted and because God simply did not want him to speak anything negative any further not just on him, but his wife and son.

See, that's the thing. When God calls you to something or brings you through something He does it in His own time. Not yours. Just because you cannot see it this moment doesn't mean it's not going to happen. In my own case I was doubting my entire existence basically (or my talents) and God was DONE with it. God will only put up with our whining for so long before He quiets us.

Using our doubting words doesn't just affect us either. It affects many of those around us. In Zach's case it would affect Elizabeth as well as his coming son John. The Lord had a very special plan and anointing for John and He was not going to allow Zach to speak anything else over Elizabeth and John that would hinder this calling or purpose.

It is in our times of quiet that we learn & grow the most. Great creative and wise scholars gained most of their wisdom through times of observation. We must learn to see. Not just speak. During the last week God silenced me and told me to be quiet. He wanted me to see something I was missing, hear something I really needed to hear, and He simply wanted me to stop speaking poorly over my life.

So, today, do you feel like you're crawling in your circumstance? Are you wondering why God hasn't picked you up off your belly? God uses those times with our faces in the dirt, with our eyes wide, and our mouths closed, to strengthening our walk. And then before you know it you are running and than jumping. Be encouraged friends and keep going.

Be Blessed,

Meg

Who Does He Say That You Are?

Part of my life I allowed others to speak things about me, over me, and to me that were inaccurate. I've shared my identity struggle with you before in pieces but lately God has been revealing to me all types of amazing things about what His word says about our identity in Him.

So part of my story is damaging because most times it was men that I would allow to speak these negative things. Men would degrade my personality, my physical style and dress, my dreams; the enemy knew that I had a sensitive spot for my affirmation from them and thus used these guys to try and tear me down. 

For a while it worked. I had these horrible conflicting thoughts of whether I was ever going to be good enough. Am I a good enough mom? Woman? Dresser? Photographer? I was told a lot that no one would be able to love me in a certain way because I was just too much. I would love too deep and that I would never find someone who could love me in this way. That it would always be a lonely road. My ex-husband used to say that no one would love me because I had a child, literally trapping me in fear with him.

It was completely exhausting.

As I came up out of this God would bring people into my life that were going through the exact same thing. I realized that too many people allow others to define who they are. I heard countless of stories from both men and women who were trapped in depression over their identity because someone had said they weren't meant to be a musician, that they were  not being a good house wife or friend, etc. I'm a burdened in the area of identity and believe that many of what stresses we face are because we are not solid in who we are in Him.

God brought me to a very well known verse in Luke. 

Luke 9:18-20 

And it happened, as He was alone praying, that His disciples joined Him, and He asked them, saying, “Who do the crowds say that I am?” 

So they answered and said, “John the Baptist, but some say Elijah; and others say that one of the old prophets has risen again.” 

He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” 

Peter answered and said, “The Christ of God.” 

Here we see Jesus talking to His disciples about His own identity. He is asking them, "Who do the crowds say that I am?" 

Lets stop there. Isn't this what a lot of people say about themselves as well? You can find a teenager saying, "Who does my boyfriend/girlfriend say that I am? Or my parents or teachers?" You get up in age and than you are asking, "Who does my wife say that I am? My kids?" It's a consistent season of change. You think you are solid but really your identity changes with each season because we find ourselves allowing different people in the different seasons of our lives to define us.

Than Jesus goes on to say, "But who do YOU say that I am?"

We know that it was the Spirit that revealed to Peter what Christ' true identity was. And in that same way God wants to reveal to you, for certain, what your identity in Him is. 

Just within this past week God used this verse to say, "Who do I say that you are?" Instead of asking others and pulling from others we have to pull from Him. The closer we get to Him, the more we find out who we are. 

If you were only leaning in on your motherhood and than you lost your own only child, you would in essence lose your identity. 

I'm in a season of life where my identity has never been so real to me. Even my physical style in clothing, something I always struggled with, just now naturally comes to me. The confidence I have in myself, even when I'm struggling with doubt, is truly freeing. When you are solid in Him, you doubt yourself less because you are hearing Him more.

I encourage you today. Write down the names of five people who have spoken five negative thoughts over you concerning your identity. Write down what those things where and then give them back to God. Rid yourself of them. You could even burn the paper as a symbol of your letting go. Than sing, "Let it go!" (Kidding). 

I cannot wait to hear your stories of forgiveness and freedom.

Be blessed,

Meg

A Traveling Man's Redemption

(We are working on a book! This book will take a long time to finish but we've started it. One page counts? Here is just a snippet of our amazing story)

Our Words:

When you marry a person no one expects that marriage to end in death. You marry and you are gleeful, you are excited, hopeful of the future and of what is to come with your new spouse.

When I married traveling man (Tony for those who don't know) I felt deep in my heart that this was the truth. That this would be the last man I would marry. I had faced one divorce and I refused in the beginning to let this one go. This would be the man I spent the rest of my life with.

The first year of our marriage, 2012, we were sure was going to be the best year of our life. We were coming to the end of a DSS case and were hopeful that things would be resolved in that area. We began serving in our church and also joined a life group to help us grow in our faith as well as in our relationship. All seemed smooth.

Tony Talks: 

Meg didn't know I had a private issue and struggle. I was hiding the fact that I was viewing pornography daily. A lot of men struggle with this and so part of me believed, "This is natural. This is what guys do." But I couldn't stop. Whenever I would get bored it was the first thing I would do. Then my lust was being fueled daily.

This addiction caused me to start treating Meg poorly. I was distant not because I didn't love or care for her, but because I had this weight on my shoulders and knew that if I drew closer to her then I would be more vulnerable to it leaking out. Part of a porn addiction is knowing that it's wrong even though it feels so physically good.

She eventually found out though. We were driving in the car one May afternoon and she just started asking questions. She was catching on to the fact that something wasn't right and that it was more than just first year marriage issues. She discovered the porn on the computer later that afternoon. The guilt riddled me. She would barely look at me. Yet, I couldn't stop.

Meg Talks:

Ladies, wives, it was the Holy Spirit that prompted me to start asking questions. With our story comes much wisdom. Never stop praying for your spouse. Never stop seeking the Spirit's guidance. This entire marriage testimony stems from His beckoning and my being sensitive.

When I discovered the pornography my heart was hit hard. Pornography is the same as adultery. When you look at these naked pictures of men or woman you are committing this sin because you are lusting for someone other than your spouse. I have researched and studied the industry since I discovered my husbands struggle and will continue to follow it and keep sharp with it because it's a very serious issue threatening hundreds and thousands of marriages.

However, I did not understand the depths of what it was doing to our marriage and to my spouse. Tony promised to stop looking at it and said he wasn't addicted and I believed him and we moved on.

Our Words:

To make this long story short Tony accepted a job with Amtrak in May of 2012. This was in our fourth month of marriage. I did not want him to go, he accepted it, I was humble and let him lead, and that was that. He spent 11.5 weeks in Delaware training for his new position.

During that time our marriage took a strong hit. Things with Tony got extremely difficult. He didn't want to communicate, he became mean and short with me on every conversation and then the thoughts from the heart started surfacing. Tony didn't know if he married me for love or if he married me because we had conceived and had a child together.

To try and ease the situation I went and visited Tony for his birthday. I was there for 3 days and it was weird. The same treatment that he was giving me over the phone he was giving me in person. He didn't want me touching certain things of his, didn't really receive anything I wanted to hear, and was just mean.

Towards the end of this meeting after church (Tony had found a church much like Freedom House to attend while he was away for this long length of time) I just prayed that God would reveal to me what was going on. At another Holy Spirit prompting I checked his computer and found tons and tons of pornography. I left feeling defeated. Something had to change.

I began to pray specific prayers for Tony when I left. This was right during his birthday so I was home alone by the 3rd of July. This was during a time that I was served custody paperwork from my ex-husband, it was also an exciting time of a new journey with FHKids that I had begun that February. So much was on my plate including practically being a single mom again and I needed God to speak to me.

Over the course of the next two weeks Tony began to share that he had feelings for a co-worker. I found this out after he had mentioned her and again was prompted from the Holy Spirit to ask him more. I also discovered what would seem to others to be a simple facebook post to this woman and I knew....something was not right.

After prayer, dreaming, and finally the questions Tony admitted in early August that he had an affair. It was unprotected, careless, and life crushing.

Tony Talks:

The age old question from Meg was always, "Why?!" She couldn't understand why I would have sex with another woman when I had her. She was an amazing wife, more than I had prayed for, loved God, our children, and me. It was almost too much to believe. 

For the longest time I responded to the why question with, "I don't know." Most don't know. It took counseling and lots of prayer to understand the why and sometimes, please hear this, you won't know. You just have to know guy to guy or guy to a woman who's feeling that pain that sometimes and most of the time the why is the least important part of the equation.

For me, in the beginning, I just needed and wanted to know what Meg's next step was. I realized quickly how much damage I had done. I also realized that it was her decision at that time on what she wanted to do regarding our marriage. I had broken our covenant and I understood if she didn't want me home. I was terrified she would tell me not to come back but at the same time I continued to treat her poorly out of anger for myself and what I had done.

I was also struggling with the shame of the sin. Sin will always be found out in a marriage where one spouse is praying so frequently.

Meg Talks:

When I married Tony I was well aware of his upbringing, past, life. His past and those things did not bother me and I was happy to become his wife. I was also excited because I thought for sure that even though he had been with other woman that I would be the last one to lay my head on his chest, the last woman he snuggled, and shared the more intimate affections with. This wasn't about sex for me, this was about giving away time and intimacy that was only meant for me.

When I began to see guidance and counsel on this situation I listened intently. I read dozens of books on healing from affairs and prayed, prayed, prayed. I heard God clearly tell me to let him come home. Not just this, but I heard God tell me to welcome him home like He had welcome ME home. God wanted me to paint a picture of grace for Tony. He wanted me to love mercy and to give it freely. I was so humbled by his directions and knew that while God would still love and walk with me if I wanted to end the marriage, that He would bless me and my marriage more if I stayed. He wanted to use our story for hope and healing in a way we could not even imagine.

I did what I do best in that moment. I painted a picture of my choice. I've posted this on facebook and it is a picture of the day I decided to let him come home, to push forward. It was three days exactly after I found out.

Our Words:

When we decided to push forward it wasn't a quick fix. To this day we are actively working on this. We have mentors, accountability partners, we talk, we get counseled. Marriage is hard work and a marriage that suffers a divorce is ten times harder to work through.

But it's not impossible. When I first found out about the affair I felt like Tony had died. My marriage had died. In a way, it had. When a covenant is broken it's severed but it's not unrepairable. We believe in a healing God. We made the vow to work on this together and each and every day we are living in God's grace and forgiveness.

I forgive Tony on a daily basis and he forgives me on a daily basis. I don't bring up the affair in a negative way or in a way that would cause him to feel ashamed. Throughout our healing process I would limit my questions to ones that would promote growth and healing, I wouldn't ask questions that would be a hindrance. I had to let go of the fact that I could possibly never know the full details and I was OK with that.

Tony has also been delivered of his pornography addiction. We had new boundaries set in place that limits his temptations and when we first began it was hard, but it has been a tremendous help. We also pray often, forgive often, and talk often. PrayForgiveTalk.

More times than not adultery stems from underlying issues that most men or woman don't know about their spouse. We have learned so much scripturally and in the physical about marriage, sex, and intimacy because of this. There is so much more we'd love to share but feel blessed that we are now able to come out and talk more openly about our testimony and where God has brought us. We were recently in a video at our church and it was a big and final piece to our message. Our prayer is that God will use our marriage to help restore and redeem many marriages and relationships.

Nothing is ever too broken for Christ to heal. We are so excited because we are planning a big vow renewal for our five-year wedding anniversary. We never had a big wedding and this will signify part of our story of healing. It will be such a beautiful day!

We are an open book and we'd love to pray with you and hear your stories of healing and redemption.

Financial Peace

I had to write in detail our journey with our financial peace lifegroup. For those who aren't sure on what this means our church Freedom House offers life groups throughout the year. This is a way to stay connected despite the fact that we are a larger church. In fact, this is what keeps our church so strong.

As a couple we've been wanting to take Financial Peace since we started Freedom House. It just never happened. It was either on a day that didn't work or their wasn't a child care. Child care was a must for us. When life group launch happened and we saw that not only was FPU going to be on a Monday (my hubby's only scheduled day off) but that it was going to offer child care we knew God was telling us to take it. 

So we did. Going into the class I personally was mortified. I remember walking up to Shelley (one of the teachers of the class) and saying, "I have such a bad feeling. Such fear." We had tried doing Dave's program before and had even gotten our emergency fund when murphy hit. We had to use it and just stopped. We thought, "If we've failed once how can we do it again?"

She and her husband Ruel were some of the best life group leaders I've ever had. The class to date, was my favorite life group. They were so encouraging and said, "Martino's, YOU CAN DO THIS." The class was only 9 weeks and they talked about this snapshot of before and after and all I could think of is, "How much can change in 9 weeks?"

The first four weeks were havoc. We were hit hard financially. It was literally frustrating that we had finally given our ALL regarding finances and things seemed to be getting worse. You see though, things weren't getting worse because God didn't love us, things were difficult because He was growing us. He wanted us to solely trust Him so that as we moved through each step we would move into a new level of trust regarding our finances. Tony and I both were pretty uneducated in how to handle finances properly and how to handle them scripturally which is one of the biggest goals we had for ourselves...becoming educated.

So we go through the first four weeks, faithful. God gave us little things here and there to show us that He was seeing what we were doing. A Starbucks gift card here, another visa gift card there, God is so faithful. Then literally overnight our finances started to change. Sometimes miracles take time and we have to wait patiently, other times they are thrown at us in grace. God was so graceful to us. In the course of taking BACK our finances Tony received a promotion, an unexpected bonus at work, I started a business, and we went from living paycheck to paycheck to not running out of money. This change only really took half the class so a little less than five weeks.

Dave's program works. But we would not have had the passion and fire if it weren't for such diligent leaders like Shelley and Ruel. We wouldn't have strength and accountability if it weren't for friends like Amber and Terrel and all the other FPU rock stars that attended life group with us. We started with no cash savings, no plan, and no hope.

We ended with an emergency fund, FUNDED. With A PLAN. With HOPE and purpose. We made two big goals (one to buy a house in cash!) and believe that as we grow in trust, as we grow in these baby steps that God will bless us. Ultimately our biggest goal is to be BIG GIVERS.

If you have never taken a life group or have never heard of financial peace I recommend checking it out! Click here for more information!

Be Blessed,