Be Still, Quiet

Every May my voice box seems to take a vacation. Not kidding. I can literally feel it disappearing. So, last week, it started packing. I get this tickle in the back of my throat, it's not painful, it doesn't hurt, it just feels different. Eventually over the course of a week I lose little by little until eventually you cannot hear me at all.

This started last Wednesday. Let me say too, that I hate losing my voice. I'm a talker naturally (what woman isn't?) but I also love to sing and worship and when I lose my voice I typically lose all of it so even trying to talk is a bit painful because it's straining my vocal chords.

I found it intriguing though that my voice would start disappearing during a week where I began to speak privately some things over my life that I ought not too. I started saying things to myself like, "You are not a good enough mom. You are not a good enough photographer, you will never make it." During this time others were speaking these things into my life; some of those "other people" were close friends or even family members. Isn't it something when those you think are for you seem to turn so quickly against you?

I felt like I went from a run to a crawl. Within a day. How could someone so confident become so doubtful? What would others think of me if they knew that I wasn't always confident or happy? I'm not perfect, but I always feel this pressure of seeming to be. I don't want something I'm struggling with to deter others from the Lord I only want to allow my life, words and actions to bring people closer to Him. I believe this is my biggest purpose.

Well. God understands and knows that I'm not perfect. Still I took the words and promises God had placed over MY life and said, "Look God, it's not enough. I'm not enough. I don't believe you." 

BOOM. Voice gone.

Luke 1:19 "And the angel answered and said to him, "I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God, and was sent to speak to you and bring you these glad tidings. BUT behold, you will be mute and not able to speak until the day when these things take place, because you did not believe MY words which will be fulfilled in their own time."

I'm not the only one who doubts. Lets break this down. Zacharias was doubtful that his wife would bear a child because they were old and his wife had been barren. I love Gabriel's reply. He so firmly and lovingly told Zach (that's what it's abbreviated too right?!) that what was meant to be a day filled with glad tidings and joy was now going to be a quiet day for him because he had doubted and because God simply did not want him to speak anything negative any further not just on him, but his wife and son.

See, that's the thing. When God calls you to something or brings you through something He does it in His own time. Not yours. Just because you cannot see it this moment doesn't mean it's not going to happen. In my own case I was doubting my entire existence basically (or my talents) and God was DONE with it. God will only put up with our whining for so long before He quiets us.

Using our doubting words doesn't just affect us either. It affects many of those around us. In Zach's case it would affect Elizabeth as well as his coming son John. The Lord had a very special plan and anointing for John and He was not going to allow Zach to speak anything else over Elizabeth and John that would hinder this calling or purpose.

It is in our times of quiet that we learn & grow the most. Great creative and wise scholars gained most of their wisdom through times of observation. We must learn to see. Not just speak. During the last week God silenced me and told me to be quiet. He wanted me to see something I was missing, hear something I really needed to hear, and He simply wanted me to stop speaking poorly over my life.

So, today, do you feel like you're crawling in your circumstance? Are you wondering why God hasn't picked you up off your belly? God uses those times with our faces in the dirt, with our eyes wide, and our mouths closed, to strengthening our walk. And then before you know it you are running and than jumping. Be encouraged friends and keep going.

Be Blessed,

Meg