Random Thoughts of the Insane

I have ten blog posts saved. Ten that I've been trying to write for the last three months. Ten that I'm not passionate enough about to finish, push publish, or even scan through for a good edit.

What is going on with me?

These days there seems to be more work than time; more frustration and growth than smooth sailing. Its necessary, I get it. Really, I get it. But sometimes it just....sucks.

I don't want frustration anymore.

    I want to be able to finish a blog post.

          I don't want to look at my children and feel like I'm failing them every | single | day.

                   And I don't want to come home to see laundry piled up, dishes needing to be done.

Then there is God. Sovereign. Holy. Perfect. I feel so comforted when I'm in His presence {yes, hard to believe this sinner reads her Bible daily}. There is this perfect tension between Him and my flesh; many believers even non-believers feel it. This invisible string that is pulling me in towards deep water, crashing waves, and even though He is there, my flesh screams "GO!"

Then there is me. Meg. Oh dear Lord there is Meg. If I were to die tomorrow I often wonder what people would say. What my non-beating heart would say. What picture, story, would it tell? Will I be leaving a legacy that my children will be proud to follow?

Those blog posts are just sitting....and random thoughts like these are just bursting throughout my brain. Each little box that I have stored in there with information has wrangled it's way open and have mixed themselves up. A little tiny Meg {because there is one who lives in there to keep everything organized} is frantic trying to pick these exploded pieces up.

Then I stop. Like today. And realize, this is real life. What I struggle with, what I feel...it's real life. How many other Christians, atheists, children even, want to go towards the water even though you know it's deep and you will sink? How many other leaders in high positions want to talk about real life struggles and can't for fear of persecution, judgment, and removal of position?

Everyone has a disciple they relate too. Mine is 100% Peter. Oh Peter. My sweet Peter. We would have been earthly besties if you and I were alive in the same era. Peter is super great because despite the fact that he lets just anything fly out of his mouth {we absolutely have that in common} he was told by Jesus that "you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it." {Matthew 16:18}.

Despite all of the stupid things Peter did {remember how he denied Christ THREE times?} Jesus still said that he was Peter. He was who he was and that God would still use him. So why am I writing all of these crazy, out of nowhere thoughts?

Someone needs to know today that you can be used by God....right where you are at. Don't let the enemy fool you into thinking that just because you aren't perfect and just because you make mistakes that God wouldn't use you. Because He can. He will. If you will let him.

I love this guy named Ananias (not the one who was killed for sin, ha!). God needed Ananias....

Acts 9:10 Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus named Ananias; and to him the Lord said in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.”

That's all it takes. Sinner, Holy, Crazy or Insane, if you are willing, He is ready. We should always aim for Holiness but there are times we slip and there is grace and God can still use you. So...be willing.