I took a vow of purity.
This is a result of an ending marriage and the serious,
"I'm sick and tired of doing it the world's way," attitude towards sex, lust, and romantic relationships. Because being transparent I used to have a serious
lust problem.
Where my girl friends would see an attractive guy and say, "Oh he's so handsome," I would look at an attractive guy and be wondering, "I wonder if he's good in bed?" It was shameful, difficult to talk about, and down right, hard to stop.
I hated myself when I would lust. Lust would always lead me into things that made me even more shameful; ie: masturbation. Lust, masturbation, pornography; it's just not really talked about among Christian women. I don't think I've ever attended any type of women's setting where someone just boldly said, "OK. Who here has a lust problem? Lets deal with it."
I needed that.
I needed someone to step up and say, "Hey! Meg! I've been there too." But I've only talked to a handful of women who have said they struggled with serious lust. That they too felt the shame and conviction that came with this struggle. When God prompted me to write this, I thought He was mistaken. Crazy. I have a wild and crazy story and with that story had come a lot of feelings of unworthiness because of stupid, sinful, and lustful decisions I've made.
Sex for a while for me, was just that, sex. I didn't think I was feeling an emotional connection to these guys and in honesty I wasn't. They would use me, and sometimes I would use them; but the residue left by each encounter was devastating. By the time I got to be 24/25 I felt like that was all I was good for. A good time.
I don't have all the answers. I do know a few things about what lust breeds and what the difference is between lust and love; now. I didn't before, but God dealt with me heavily on that.
When I took this purity vow back in late September I took it with the complete understanding that I was going to remain sex-free until whenever God brought a future husband for me. This was already weird to say. I just left a failed marriage. But. I knew that God was calling me into a state of holiness and purity that I never experienced. I got serious about it. Wrote it out. I knew that eventually later when the time was right I would date again, and I would have to decide on boundaries, and I did. Already.
But I also
purged masturbation. I didn't want this act to fuel my lust. I have always felt like the black sheep around women. I rarely cry, I'm "hardcore" as some would say, because I don't always pity a tough journey or a tough situation. I don't want people to give me the easy road, or to always say yes, or to give me pleasures just because. Sex, lust, masturbation; it was an easy way for me to avoid having to get super emotionally attached to anyone. Because I had never met a guy that was on my level, that could handle my level, and that cared enough to value my purity.
When it came to masturbation I found that this was less taboo with women too. Everyone talks about it like it's just what you do and I've even heard statements to the extent that
"masturbation will help me remain sexually pure." Hold up. WHAAAAAT?
So many people don't understand the purpose of sex; which is oneness and procreation.
When you have sex with someone you are literally becoming one with them, there's a connection that happens, that cannot be avoided. Period. There is a difference between having a strong spiritual connection (as well as intellectual and emotional) vs. a powerful sexual craving for them. We can have sexual cravings for someone and not be any where near on level with them in any other way. These are relationships you want to run from.
Lust is not something that we’re supposed to do (I John 2:16). Sex with ourselves isn't either (why do you need to “become one” with yourself?). We don't. We are meant to become one with our spouses when that time is right. Masturbation is a way to meet a need and often time as a single person that need is fueled by lust and selfish desires.
So I've purged masturbation.
And it's so hard. I had to change my heart and mind. I had to understand that God was calling me into this season not just for me, but for others around me, so that those girls could hear my story too. So that I could encourage other young ladies and even women that they are worth more than instant pleasure.
You are worth it to wait for a deep spiritual and intellectual connection. You are worth it to wait for a man who sees YOU. Understands you. And doesn't just see the breasts on your chest or a possible quick sexual encounter.
The next issue that I had to deal with is that a man who really loved me and cared for me wouldn't just try to get me in bed. Sadly, I have slept with many of my previous boyfriends/spouses within a month of meeting them. Sometimes sooner. It was just a silent understanding that
this would happen and if it didn't then we probably wouldn't be together.
If he's not touching you or trying to sleep with you within a few weeks, that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. In fact, if he's protecting your purity he's REALLY into you.
And because I didn't have security in who God made me, I just did it. And then these guys hurt and abused me and I was left feeling like I deserved nothing. I felt like I was a curse to everything and everybody. That my life was just meant to be one abusive and hurtful relationship after another. It saddens me to know that I never really experienced a guy who loved me enough to care about my mind, my spiritual life, my soul.
But God has so much for me and God has so much for you. And those things don't include lust, pornography, insecurity.
Look. We are beautiful, ladies. And sexuality is a big part of our lives.
And that's OK if it's handled in a healthy, righteous, and Godly way. I struggled with the idea that God could give me a pure love. I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter. That every one could see the choices I had made; that no Godly man would see past the past and look into the future that God had for me. But Jesus is bigger than my past. And any man that God had for me would understand this. He wouldn't care, because he would love Jesus so deeply that He could only see me the way Jesus saw me; redeemed.
Ladies, I write all this to say if you are struggling with lust you are not alone. One night stands, masturbation, even the sexual relationship with your boyfriend that makes you feel convicted; I've been there. And it's ok to stop.
I'm a living example of that and one day when I walk down the aisle to greet my husband I hope to proudly to portray a redeemed and purified woman. Because even though I cannot offer him the gift of my virginity I can offer him the gift of my purity. Purity and virginity are not the same. You can be a virgin and not be pure. Just like I can be pure but not be a virgin.
There are also many resources for woman who struggle with lust in any form whether that be viewing pornography, etc. I would be more than happy to help guide you in those areas if you want to message me or send me an e-mail to meganloismartino@gmial.com.
Ladies. It's time. It's time we take pride in who God created us to be. It's time that we value ourselves and up the standards.
