Unanswered

I had to share an awesome and incredible testimony with you all. God is always proving His faithfulness.

*

You may or may not know the testimony of Tony and I gaining full custody of Kaidance. It's another story in itself but one that has a deep meaning to prayer.

Our custody battle began in 2011. Kaidance was three-years-old. To make a very long story short, we had DSS involved, the law involved, several psychologists and of course cabarrus county court system. It was a complete and utter mess. 

My ex-husband Brian and I couldn't even stand to be in the same room together. Our attempts at mediation were halted almost immediately within the first session. By our second mediation session I was legally advised to not say anything and to just...go to court. 

Our first pre-trial was so scary. I remember to this day being riddled in fear but at the same time having such a calming peace. God had given me a few specific instructions regarding this custody battle.

1. Pray - The first was to pray. Regardless of how I felt I was to be treated or what I felt I deserve I was to pray for "my enemy." I was to pray for Brian and his now fiance Jessica. I was to pray blessing over their lives, wisdom, guidance....salvation.

2. We leaned on the verse  Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves." 

We clearly heard God saying to be amongst many counselors. To be as WISE as a serpent but as harmless as doves. Most of the time custody battles are a big show of "how can I attack the other parent." God told me....NO. Would that edify my ex-husband? Would that bring him closer to Christ? Or would that push him further from the truth?

We did as God asked. Our prayer was never that Kaidance be separated from her dad but that God would bring stability, love, protection, guidance into her life. We prayed that God would heal and restore our blended family life into something slow cooked into perfection. That we would become an extremely blessed example of how God can take something so riddled with pain, unforgiveness, hostility, and anger and turn it into love, friendship, peace, and ultimately a healthy family life for Kaidance.

*

Lets be real. No one ever really wants to be the product of divorce. No one ever really wants to be a divorced spouse. Divorce is awful. It always affects the children, negatively. We knew that we couldn't be a perfect family (not even biological families are perfect) but what we wanted was Kaidance to see that we cared enough about her and about Christ that we would push our past behind and move forward into His plan. 

*

God's plan for the Walls and the Martino's would be this: To forgive and literally forget the past. To push into a new season and to show Kaidance that we loved her. We forgave Brian and Jessica and they forgave us. We settled OUTSIDE of a courtroom and then began a new level of blended family and co parenting relationship that I knew God would bless.

*

Yesterday, February 17th (as I never, ever want to forget this day) Tony, Kaidance, Brian, Jessica and myself sat down at our favorite mexican restaurant and had an amazing mexican meal. We got to know one another; we got to laugh with one another, and to catch up on our families. It was overwhelming spiritually to literally be living and breathing in that moment; God's HEALING and ultimate power.

I never knew the love that my daughters stepmom had for her; until then. I never realized how much people enjoy my own husband's company, until then. I never realized how much God has changed my own personally thoughts towards my ex-husband and his fiance until then.

*

I share this to encourage you. Two years prior to this many would have said, "This is a hopeless cause. Your daughters future is bleak." Your prayers seem unheart, unanswered, because you may not see change right away. You not feel that things are getting better or that things are moving forward.

Don't give up. Don't let go. DON'T STOP PRAYING.

God is working diligently on your behalf. He IS sending His angels to fight this spiritual war. He can soften the hearts of those who seemed so hardened you ever wonder if you can have a decent conversation. 

God can change you. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord for this new season. Thank you father for one of the best mexican dishes I've ever had because your presence was so heavy in the air.

We are now believing for even greater things....praying. Always.

Your healing is here. Your time is now. Keep speaking in faith. Keep believing. He's working.

We love you guys.

January Fast

One more day until traveling man and I finish our first fast of the year; fasting pizza and desserts. We both have learned a crazy amount in this first month already. Let's chat.

*

For those who may not know why we chose these two particular items well 1. we wanted to fast something challenging. Desserts and Pizza are literally two things we consumed almost daily (desserts were daily!). We were using these foods as comfort items and celebration items instead of diligently going to our heavenly Father when we needed complete comfort or when we were joy filled. It was time for a serious cut off from both of them. 

Not to mention, traveling man and I have not gone more than five days without pizza. Ever. Since we've been together. That is so sad to admit. 

Fasting is hard. It's not easy but as we go into our new fast for February which starts Saturday we are more prepared, equipped and educated. Fasting is not meant to be easy. It's meant to be sacrificial. We wanted to share a few pieces of what we learned and hope it will be encouraging to you on your next fast.

1. It's OK to alter your fast, for medical needs, but not just because it's hard. 

Ok. So first. We did have a "cheat" day. Our 2nd year wedding anniversary was January 20th and before even starting our fast when we prayed about the things we would be fasting in 2014 we felt a peace about having a dessert that day. However, there were other times where we wanted to adjust our fast just because it was hard. 

We do Sweet Frog Friday's with our kids every Friday. It's just something we've developed that we love and there was a time during this past month that I told traveling man I want to eat this so bad, it's good for the kids too right? Because we're doing it as a family? "Soon," He said. He reminded me that this moment of sacrifice, of obedience, is far sweeter than a small cup of frozen yogurt/dessert. 

There were also birthday parties that tempted us because they too were special events, but we didn't cave. Fasting is not meant to be easy. Would it mean it anything if I gave up something I normally didn't do often? No. I want to show my King that I'm serious. 

2. Not everyone has to or needs to fast the same thing. Ask God what you need to fast. 

The neat thing about our fasts of the year is that this first one fell in line with our churches fast. I loved talking to people and hearing all the different things people were giving up. I heard everything from french fries, to cheese, to video games, and fear. Fasting looks different for everyone. Your season is not the same as mine, your level may not be the same as mine, thus your fast will not be the same as mine. 

Traveling man and I agreed on our fasts because we are one. We want to support each other and are praying for very specific things during each of our monthly fasts. You will notice though in my blogs throughout the year that while our fasts may be similar they can be different. A great example is February. In a quiet time earlier this week God clearly asked me to fast TV time in February at night and then limit my online time to very specific times throughout the day, but God did not direct this at traveling man (he doesn't struggle in this area as heavily as I do). 

3. Pray, pray, pray. Fill yourself with the Word.

I cannot express the importance of prayer during any fast. Be real. Have an accountability partner during the time you fast (if you are married, your spouse) so that you can be vulnerable and real with them when you are struggling. If you are not replacing that fasting item with prayer and scripture reading you are defeating the purpose of a fast which is to relentlessly pursue Christ and grow closer to Him. 

Traveling man and I grew much deeper in prayer this month because we started praying together regularly. There were times when we just needed to pray because our sugar craving was so strong. Thankfully a month later we don't crave it nearly as much because God used this time to heal our addiction and teach us self-control.

Don't be so concerned of the "rules" of fasting. Know this, God will tell you what you need to fast if you just ask. It's meant to be a break from something to give you time to work on your relationship with Him. It's a time to be cleansed. A time to grow. 

We are headed into February and it's going to be tough. I do a lot of outings with friends and ministry and we normally meet at restaurants but now I'm going to have to stick to coffee and water (the two things I'm allotted in February). 

The pizza from Due Amici's is going to have to wait until.....March. o_O

Be Blessed Friends!

Two Years and Counting

Today Traveling Man and I celebrate a blissful two years in marriage. It has been one of the toughest, most painful and yet beautiful journeys I have ever walked. I wanted to take a moment of time to share with you some of our testimony on how we got to where we are. Traveling Man and I are excited to eventually share it all one day!

Traveling Man and I met while I was working as a leasing consultant for an apartment community in Cornelius, NC. In fact, we met on May 31, 2010. I remember the date so well because it was Memorial Day. Him and his buddy were touring apartments and making small talk. He tells the story by saying, "I was immediately attracted to you and your personality."

They eventually moved in and the pursuit began. You see, that is one of the biggest differences between Traveling Man and any other guy I've ever been with. He pursued me relentlessly. He would put in dumb work orders (like a light bulb change just to chat), drop off his rent check personally (when we had a drop box on the outside), and would invite me out to dinner almost every time we saw each other.

But you see. I was a single mom to a beautiful two-year-old daughter. I didn't have time for dating. I didn't have time to entertain and I didn't really have time for dinner. 

Finally he walked into my office and said, "I know you get a lunch, you can't say you don't, lets go to lunch."

*

Lunch was the start of something amazing. We were inseparable after that. Traveling man has this way of making me laugh regardless of what mood I am and has an amazing personality. He is also extremely good looking.

All of this was during my BC days (before Christ, or before I was truly dedicated to Him) and so we made some poor choices that would affect our future forever.

We kept our relationship quiet at first and also were very cautious around Kaidance. She would only be around him the first few months in social settings but honestly took instantly to him. Things seemed to be going so smooth and we were both so happy.

*

To put a long story short, at the end of October 2010 we got some news that would rock our world.

We found out we were expecting a sweet little girl. It was a complete shock because when we found out I was already 12 weeks pregnant. (I was on birth control at the time). We had conceived Sophia the first time we were intimate.

* 

This was just one of many challenges the enemy would throw at us in our four years total we've been together. Traveling man and I will both admit though that our first year of official marriage (yes, we lived together before we were married, that's another story of God's grace!) was a complete disaster.

During our first year we grew a lot in the first five months. We joined our church officially, we both started serving in kids ministry and on the setup team and we began a life group. We were growing physically, spiritually, and emotionally and the enemy hated it. 

The enemy hates good marriages. He doesn't want marriages to succeed because it would mean that families succeeded, and kids would be healthy, and the church would grow. I understood though despite what was going on in the marriage that God had us together for a purpose. That He would bless our marriage and that I was in this for a lifetime.

Traveling man took our vows seriously. We opted for tattoo rings as a permanent sign of our commitment and love. We knew that regardless of what either of us did we would remain together.

That first year we experienced financial turmoil, serious broken trust, a custody fight for our eldest, court proceedings, pain, living separately for three and a half months, amongst other things. Truly according to the world's standards we should have separated. We should have divorced. We should have given up and walked away. We were even told by a few people, "You can get those tattoos covered."

But we believe in God's healing power. We believe in His restoration. We believe in His grace. Psalm 32:1 "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered." We believed that through Christ's blood that our sins were covered. And that God would honor and bless our marriage if we pushed through.

The Lord HAS blessed us.

We have three beautiful children, our marriage improves every day. We love deeply, forgive often, and pray together daily. We serve one another and our children daily and we live our lives according to God's word.

I know this is a just snippet of our journey and that some of it may not make sense (we're working on a book!) but please hear this. God loves marriage and hates divorce. There is nothing that is too deep, too painful, or too "gone" that God cannot pull up, heal or restore. 

Be Blessed,

Love is...

My instagram photos are nice, eh? My facebook statuses are positive and I appear to have so much together. And truthfully, a lot is going very good in my life. This is a combination of prayer, scripture study, and time management. But. (There is always a but, right?) No one is perfect. In my family we have adopted our churches policy and no perfect people are allowed. 

With the start of the new year I knew I wanted to do two things different in my family; 1. I wanted to be creative in parenting and 2. I wanted to be proactive. I knew that each of us struggled in a different area and that we needed to begin to work on those things, pray on those things, and be proactive. 

So last week we started the love is challenge. What is this? It's simple. It's speaking over our lives as individuals what we know God says we are and then walking in that truth. You see while we are sinners we are also redeemed through Christ's blood. Because of that redemption power and through our helper, the Holy Spirit, our weaknesses are able to be made into strengths through Christ.

2 Corinthians 12:9 states "And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

We wanted to take this to another level though. We started by sitting down as a family and identifying what we struggle with the most. Once we identified that unloving trait (ie: selfishness) we replaced it with a loving, Christ like trait (ie: generosity). Then we took it one step further by making a vow to focus on this until we didn't struggle with it as much and could move on to a new trait. With this vow we decided to write a heart on our hands with what we needed to work so that we would have a consistent visual throughout the entire day. 

Walk with me a second.

*

I struggle with anger. I believe it is something that is passed down through the generations in my family. I have prayed and broken the generational curse but I am still very much aware that I need the Holy Spirit's help on a daily basis.

My replacement trait is being slow to anger. Christ was slow to anger and it is my prayerful goal to master this part of self-control in 2014. I have been writing out very specific prayers (I will share some of those later) concerning anger and I pray most of them daily. They are full of scripture and encourage my spirit. I realize every time I talk that I need to talk with a loving spirit, be quick to listen and very slow to speak. 

*

Traveling Man's struggle is not the same. He struggles with laziness. Particularly at home. He's a very hard-working man in his career but tends to want to lay around while at home. He was first to admit that he wanted to be more like Jesus and be hard working. Love is not lazy. Love is hard working.

Yes, all of our kids are involved. Ask Sophia what love is for her.

She's a rough kid naturally but the bible says that love is gentle and kind, meek and humble. Love for Sophia is gentle.

Kaidance struggles with meanness. She comes from a blended home and we notice a serious increase in her meanness after coming back from the other parents home. This is partly due to transitioning into a different environment but we also know what the Bible says.....

Joseph is not too young either. He has a biting issue when it comes to nursing. But we know that he's a baby and still wanted to pray specific things over him. For Joseph love does not...

Each and everyone of these help us to remember that we are not perfect. That we need Jesus and one another. We need to be encouragement to one another and to love one another while being slow to anger, loving in kindness, being gentle, and hardworking.

We pray specifically over these areas daily. Asking the Lord to soften our hearts and create in us a desire to thirst for the goodness of these traits and how they can impact our lives and those around us.

So, today, what is love for you?

Be Blessed,
Meg

12 Fasts in 12 Months

Every year my church, Freedom House, starts our year off right with a 21-day fast. You are encouraged to fast something that God is asking of you, typically something you need to give up to re-focus your eyes to Him. (Go to freedomhouse.cc/fast to check out the churches fast and find more information on fasting).

Well this year I felt challenged by God to fast more period. So I began journaling and came up with 12 Fasts in 12 Months.

They are not going to be easy. In fact, I probably will need lots of prayer to get through most of them. I am blessed to have my husband partnering with me in this journey. We are not just using this as a way to get closer to God, but also one another. When you take away the everyday distractions that can so easily become addictions you find that you grow closer to those you love, easily.

I've had several people mention or say, "Why didn't I think of that?" Well I want you to know it's not too late to join. Fasting is for every Christian and it's a good way to rid yourself of the extra clutter and dirt not just in your spiritual life but also in your physical.

I love what this verse says in Ezra 8:21 Then I proclaimed a fast there at the river of Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before God, to seek from Him the right for us and for our littles ones and all of our possessions. 

When you fast, you are fasting to humble yourself before the Lord. This enables you to hear Him more clearly, serve Him with more excellent, and overall increases your spiritual maturity. Not just that but we are not just fasting for ourselves but those in our inner circle. I have specific goals and prayers for 2014 and I've resolved that this is going to be one of the most incredible years I've ever had.

*

What am I fasting you ask? Here's our month to month look. I'll give you up to May as we are still praying about a few things for the remaining of the year. We will probably finalize or list for the later part of the year closer to May because a lot could change and our focuses may need adjusted.

January - Pizza and Desserts. How did we come to this conclusion? Sadly, my husband and I have a serious addiction to both. Since I've stopped consuming sugary and sweet foods my headaches have nearly stopped completely. I was getting them daily, sometimes twice a day.

February - Eating out. Another serious addiction we have. It's so easy for us as a busy family to just pick up something on the run but I know God is calling us to work as a family and as a team to create healthier meals for our family. It is also a goal of mine to cook a hot breakfast for my family at least four times a week. I notice a difference in the tone of our day when I present and cook a hot meal at the start.

March - Facebook. Everyone needs a good cleanse from facebook at least once or twice a year.

April - iPhone. Hard to imagine but in April we will be fasting from our iPhone's. When I say this I mean we will not be using our phones outside of getting a hold of people and conversating. There will be no instagram posts, no candy crush (yikes), etc. We will be unplugging.

May - In May we will be fasting breakfast and lunch (drinking juices/liquids/protein shakes). It is my goal to do a 21 to 30 -day fast (liquids only) by October so I am using May as a trainer/conditioning month. This will also be a great way for me to dive deeper into focusing on my prayer time, my reading time, etc.

I am so excited to see what 2014 brings. It's going to be a year like none other. Thank you for coming along side with me.

Be Blessed,
Meg

Then Came Agnes

Anyone who knows me knows I am a major movie fan. I love movies of all type (well, honestly I prefer more macho movies over girly, romantic movies: BOORING) but particularly love watching children's movies with my kids. A lot of cartoon movies have great, clean, humor and I eat it up. Besides all of that it seems that God almost always chooses to speak to me about something in a child's movie. Rise of the Guardians is a great example and one of the greatest spirit filled movies I've seen. (I will write on that movie later).

For Christmas my girls received the movie Despicable Me II. Secretly I bought it because I haven't seen it yet and I was itching to watch it. The movie gets ten stars from me and my family. It's a sequel of course to the first one and outlines Gru's new life as a dad and also his journey in finding a mate and mom for his girls. This is another post all in itself but we could learn a lot about parenting from Gru!

*

This past week sickness ran it's course through our home. It started with Joseph last week, then me, and finally sweet Sophia. She took it the hardest and for two days (Wednesday thru Friday) we watched this same movie a thousand times. I never bore of it, because it's that funny. 

One scene kept replaying over and over in my heart though. There is a scene where Gru finds out that his possible future wife is being moved to Australia. His once earlier joy and demeanor turned to sorrow as he walked back and it began to rain. He sat out on the porch and just, wallowed.

Then came Agnes. 

You see Agnes is not an elder of the church. Agnes is not a teenager. Agnes is not a preacher or a counselor or someone you would call right away when a situation arises that causes you pain. Agnes is just a child. She's small. She's uneducated. She's little.

But she came. 

When Gru turned around after hearing his front door opened he saw this scene. He saw little Agnes holding a large umbrella. She was there to help. In any way that she could. Even if it meant getting a little wet or carrying this umbrella that was three times her size. She wanted to be there for Gru and to let him know that despite the circumstances of life, she would be there to help cover him with that umbrella.

Have you ever felt like Gru? So sad or depressed that you just wallowed in the rain? Have you met your Agnes? We all need one. We all need one to come out and carry that umbrella. Christ is like Agnes. He carried that umbrella and He gives us the help and the chance to carry it for others. Are you?

Gru's face changed. He has a some what puzzled, bewildered, yet comforted look on his face. A small little child is coming to cover me. Is coming to encourage me. 

Let me tell you, friends, your part in the Kingdom of God is never, ever, too small. Agnes had confidence in her role as Gru's child and she knew that even if she got wet, or if Gru was already wet (which he was) she couldn't bare to see him get wet any longer. So she went to him.

Gru took that umbrella and held it. They sat together and while their conversation wasn't deep or religious, it was exactly what Gru needed to hear to push him forward. 

We all need to be like Agnes. We all need an Agnes. 

Be Blessed, 

Meg 

Review of 2013

Can you believe that the year is almost over. Neither can I. But it is and I really wanted to share with my newer readers and those who may not know me some big things that happened this year and some amazing blessings that God bestowed on our family. Here is our recap of 2013.

January - April

For those who don't know in 2012 I was flung into a heated custody battle over my eldest daughter, Kaidance with her biological father Brian. It was not pretty. There are a LOT of details that I will spare you but throughout our ordeal we spoke and prayed one thing: That God would grant us full custody of Kaidance, with visitation rights with her and her dad. 

It was scary. I'm not going to lie. I would be hopeful and faith filled one money and then sobbing uncontrollably the next after a drop off. In July of 2012 we won our custody pre-trial and began gearing up for our final trial in February of 2013.

To make a long story short God remained faithful and answered our prayers. We are not even certain to this day on why, but the Friday before our February 21st court date my ex-husband settled with us outside of court. He agreed to everything we had asked for and prayed for over Kaidance.....even amongst some saying that "we didn't win" because we settled we KNOW who we serve and we know that we did win, because God is faithful.

Some other big events in photos from the first part up until April of 2013. In order, Tony was baptised and make a public declaration of his faith. I was pregnant with our third child, a son, Joseph. And Sophia had minor surgery (her first surgery!) to place tubes because she was getting double ear infections back to back for 6 months. 

May - September

Lots of amazing things happened between May and September! Two of the biggest things were God blessing me with the opportunity to become a Freedom House Kids Ministry Apprentice. It was a truly INCREDIBLE semester of growth and leadership skill building. 

(Me and another apprentice, Harrison!)

Truly and honestly the biggest event of 2013 was the birth of me and Tony's first son, Joseph Isaiah. Born on daddy's birthday we could not have asked for a better birth experience and such an amazing blessing. Brings me to tears (and my knees) every day.

Some other big events in order: Our family vacation to Gatlinburg, TN! Kaidance's first ballet recital, Kaidance's first day of Kindergarten and Sophia graduated from Big Sister class!

October - December

We ended our year with all of the "normal" happenings. Halloween, Thanksgiving, fun and friendships. We are confident in the Lord and faith filled that 2014 will bring many changes, blessings, and beginnings!

Blessings and a HAPPY New Year!

Meg

Off Days

I was going to be working on a Christmas themed blog post today. You know, the consumerism sucks type posts. But I'm not. I'm not going to right now because I want to be honest about my day.

Today was an off day. It was filled with too many incidents of me warming up the same cup of coffee a thousand times. I watched too much How I met your mother and was truly tired. My spouse and I had a spat the night before, my almost six-month-old baby didn't want to sleep at.all and my other two woke up earlier than normal ready to eat and go about their day. I just wanted to lay on the couch, all day. 

So, in some ways I did do that. I lazied around and didn't do some of the things I knew I needed too. After an amazing day yesterday I thought my week was set. I have so many fun things planned, this is the week we celebrate Christmas and I was determined to get in the Christmasy spirit!

You see the devil works in the day to day situations. Don't be fooled, he does. There were times where he was trying to manipulate my mind into making me think, So and so doesn't love you because they weren't there for you back then, or even your so lazy. You should be up cleaning and dressed and have your make up done. 

The devil is not as crafty as you think. In fact, he's dumb. He uses the same tactics over and over on us and yet we fall for it many times. I knew what he was doing today. He was trying to bring me down. He was trying to steal the joy that I so specifically stated I received just two days ago. He uses lies and manipulation (two of his best traits) and the past to try and wreck our days. Nothing big has to happen for the devil to attack. In fact, in most attacks it's so subtle you don't see the wound until someone else points out that you are bleeding!

Then, oh then, I pulled out a little tiny card from my dear "You are" jar that my mentor gave me for my birthday. It's a jar that has 26 little slips of paper in it and I pull one out each day and carry it around as a reminder of who I am to Christ, to my family, to her, and to others. Today I pulled out the card that said:

Loved. 

Not only did it just say that but it included Psalm 36:5 that reads "Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds."

How comforting. Not only does God love me but He has faith in me. He has faith that I can overcome through Christ the negative thoughts the devil is trying to put in my head. Not just that but He gives me mercy for the times when I do have off days. It's OK. I accepted in that moment that the Lord was given me mercy to relax. That I needed to, again, be reminded of the mercy I should be sharing, FREELY, with those around me. That I needed to put my faith in His sincere and completely truthful promises. I told that devil to be quiet (literally, out loud) and then rested in His peace.

So, yeah, I admit, I watched too much How I met your mother and yes, I had to re-heat my cup of coffee a jillion times, but you know what? I still have joy. I'm loved. And tomorrow is a new day.

Be blessed (and try to drink your coffee hot),

Meg

Identity Thief

At some point in time it seems that many people struggle with identifying who they are and why they are on this earth. The most common question I hear from others I talk to who are hurting or lost is, "Why did God make me? Why am I here and what is my purpose?" It is OK to ask those things. God wants us to know who we are and why we are here but a lot of times this question becomes our main focus in life, which can be time consuming and stressful.

My identity struggle has been a lifelong issue that I can truthfully say is no longer a struggle anymore. It's been a long and dark road, one that I wish didn't take so long, but now I am excited to stand and say, "I know who I am. Who are you?"

I went through phases of my identity struggle which I'd like to share with you. Each phase posed a new question or struggle or even a doubt when I was sure I had gotten past this issue. The enemy wants to attack our identity. He doesn't want us to know who we are, but we don't have to let him win this fight.

My struggle with identity began before I was even born. It doesn't sound possible but how we are brought into this world and who is surrounding us can make a big difference on how we view ourselves from the start. My biological father had left my mother at a movie theater when she was six months pregnant with me. As devastating as it sounds for me, it was much worse at the time for her. This began phase one for me.

Phase 1: I'm not good enough.

It's not often that I don't hear of someone saying they've never struggled with this phase of identity, even if just for a moment. When my biological father left me the seed of abandonment was planted in my heart. It took root as I told myself, "I wasn't good enough as a daughter for him to love. I wasn't good enough with my behavior, etc." 

I went through many years of this phase, from being just a child to my teenage years. Instead of focusing on who I was/am in Christ and developing those characteristics I put myself down on a daily basis and would criticize everything I did.

Megan, your writing isn't good enough. Your body isn't good enough. Your smile isn't pretty. You are so loud, you annoy everyone.

These damaging thoughts rooted in my spirit and it took a lot of prayer and counseling to rid myself of them.

Let me be gentle in my words with this next sentence. We are not good enough. It is through Christ that we are made new and through Christ that we can do anything good that we have done. 2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

God is not blind to our weaknesses or our struggles and part of knowing who we are is being OK with not being good enough. When you realize that you are weak and that it is through Christ and His grace that you are able to be anything near good you let go of that "I am not good enough mindset."

This quote by Patrick Rothfuss sums up what I feel with this phase.

“It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

When we tell ourselves over and over that we are not good enough to do anything then we lie to ourselves and prevent ourselves from reaching our full potential. Not just that, but from what we read int his quote we are literally birthing our own story into reality through these thoughts and words. What we should be saying is, "I know I'm not good enough by myself but with Christ, who perfects His power in me in my weakness, I can be a good mom, daughter, artist, etc. 

Within this first phase destructive habits were born. As a teenager I did a lot of self-harm things that I shouldn't have. I began throwing up all my food thinking I wasn't good looking or skinny enough, I would date men to gain attention because I was loved starved from the other male figures in my life, I even drank occasionally to drown out the pain of not feeling good enough. These things had taken root and while some would go away others got worse in phase 2.

Phase 2: Why can't I just be someone else? 

This was one of my most destructive phases. While I did start some bad behaviors and habits in the previous phase those habits became a whole new level of unhealthy in this phase. From later teens (about 19) until I was about 23 I was a self-hating woman who did anything and everything to change who I was so that I could just be someone else.

I really struggled with accepting myself. I thought everyone else wanted me to change (and honestly I'm sure some did) and so instead of working through that I just tried to be someone else. I'm naturally loud, so I wanted to be quiet. I'm outgoing, so I tried to be shy. Everyone seemed to like blondes, so I dyed my hair.

It was a never ending cycle of "who would Megan be today?" I had a serious eating disorder, couldn't figure out which clothes were my style and at times would drink myself into a non-remembering state. I didn't want to be who I was because everyone around me seem to find something wrong with me, even if it was just something minor.

Within a year or so of this lifestyle I was a completely different person. At one point when I was younger I was compassionate and kind hearted. I had a love of people and a desire to be relational. Within this phase I lost all of that. I was mean. I cursed worse than many sailors and my love for the Lord dwindled because I decided that if I couldn't give my entire life and heart I shouldn't give it at all. I was becoming a product of what I thought others wanted and thought of me, and ultimately becoming truly unhappy.

A quote that reminds me of this is: “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

While I think we can obtain traits from others around us I was beginning to feel like the things that made me unique were being shoved down deep inside. I could barely pull them out. I felt like a person who was drowning in an open sea. Nothing but water surrounding me. I could hear the Lord saying, "STAND UP. I am your sandbar!" But I couldn't.

It took counseling to get me out of this phase. I had to finally look deep into scripture and also at my heart to learn that God had created me uniquely to be just who I was (flaws and all) because He needed me to do something unique for His kingdom. For those who may be in this phase. You don't need to be. God loves you for all your uniqueness and if others have trouble accepting it, they may not be someone you want in your inner circle.



These two phases were my biggest struggle areas. After phase two I said, "Enough is enough," and really dealt with my identity issue. I leaned on scripture and wise counsel to help me through and to finally learn who I was. So, you ask, how do I know who I am?


How do I know who I am?

The first big piece of my missing puzzle was to understand that God created me in His image (Genesis 1:27). This was important to know because it made me understand that anytime I insulted myself, I truly was insulting my savior and my creator. How would you feel if a child you bore said, "I hate what you created?" Not fun.

I also needed to truly grasp that my uniqueness was purposely created by God and that God was not unaware of my gifts and my weaknesses. (Jeremiah 1:5).

Lastly I needed to know that it was a daily choice to encourage my own thought life in accepting who I was (Ephesians 4:22-24) and that I needed to be bold and say, "Meg, you are beautiful. You are wonderfully made, you are His." The words began to seep into my spirit and slowly over the course of two years I began to truthfully believe those things about myself.

Lastly, how do I stand firm in this truth?

I've shared a lot. But if I could leave you with one piece of experience I would with this. The enemy does NOT want you to know who you are. He does NOT want you to be confident in the roles that God has given you.

Last year was my first serious test of standing firm in my identity. The enemy attacked me from all sides (even using my children) to try and tear me down. In a custody battle with my ex-husband for our daughter Kaidance every inch of who I was was torn into. It was both embarrassing at times but mostly humbling to know where God had brought me.

There were also things that happened in my marriage and the enemy used those situations to try and PULL me back into previous phases. "See, you are better off being like so and so," or the age old, "You just weren't ever good enough Megan."

At times it was very daunting. Very tiring but I stood firm. I stood firm and held to the promise that God would use me just as I was if I would only allow him to help me walk through it.

I did. Today I stand more confident in who I am then I've ever been before. I'm accepting the things I know are my personality and working on things I know I can change to better myself and the talents God has given me.

"Freedom lies in being bold," Robert Frost.

You want to be free from identity issues? Be bold and be yourself. Make a list of things that make you unique, who you are, scriptures that support your walk and identity in Christ. Start there. I know I am loud, crazy, unafraid to talk to anyone, a go-getter. I love deeply. I hurt deeply. I am compassionate and have a servants heart. I am a natural born leader, spontaneous, and not afraid of conflict.

These days my list of things I love about myself outweighs the things I dislike 100 to 1. It's incredibly freeing to love yourself for who God created you to be. Try it.

Be blessed,

Meg

For The Cause - Inner City Missionary

The saying, "You discover yourself and your purpose in your serve," has never been more true for someone today than it is for me. Since I began serving at Freedom House in 2012 my entire life has changed. I realized how important it is to make life more than just about me To reach out to those who need help, to wipe a tear away, and to spread hope. 

These past few weeks God has been speaking to me heavily through my serve. From a young age I knew I was going to be a missionary. As a young girl I wanted to be the female version of John the Baptist (not kidding). I always had big visions of traveling to other countries and preaching God's good word. I do still feel a call to that just not full time. I continued to pray all these years and continued to ask God, "How can I strip myself of ME and become more like YOU? How does being a missionary play out in my life?"

It is through serving that I believe God is revealing my destiny. God has gifted and granted me one of the most amazing abilities. This is to speak to others and relay a compassion for the hurting. I have a heart for the hurting. When they hurt, I hurt. When they want, I want for them. I don't want to see them suffering any longer. There are times when I am asking for a donation or speaking about a cause that I don't even remember all that I've said. I just know that God has already worked on that person or business's heart because they can rarely hold back tears or their generosity. They get it. They get that it takes community.

It is through tears, my sweet friends, that I believe I know what God is saying to me. Not only am I to continue in Kids Ministry but God is calling me to be an inner city missionary. One who is NOT ashamed to go above, beyond, and outside of her comfort zone to ask people to step up and help their community. There ARE resources out there. We just need to use them. We need to allow the Holy Spirit to use us and to be sensitive to our communities and those in it. Miracles don't have to just be seen overseas they can be seen right here in our homes and in our local churches.

I used to be an extremely selfish and mean spirited person. I used to only think of my wants, my desires, and what could please Meg. God has and is removing those dust mites from my spirit. When I get into moments of selfishness it's like God instantly shows me in the physical or in the spirit how much more important it is to be selfless and show God's love and kindness. Your generosity, friends, can change an entire world. It doesn't have to start or end with one particular event. It can be a lifestyle lived. 

Will you join me in this cause? Will you be willing to say "YES!" to serving YOUR city? Or in helping me serve mine?

My first big non-profit project in 2014 is donations for the Ronald McDonald House in Charlotte. Monthly I will post blog posts, events, and all kinds of information on the Ronald McDonald House and ways YOU can donate. You can give. Simple things. 

For January I am collecting:

- Women's feminine pads (all sizes including lights)

- Free and Clear Laundry detergent (high efficiency) 

These items are easy to obtain. If you are in another state don't fret if you want to give. We are collecting donations for Walmart and Target to do a big purchase the last week of January. We are also ALWAYS looking for a group to go and help bring the items the first week of the new month. 

God wants to use you. He can use you if you allow Him. What a simple way of giving back. I hope to fill my life with plenty of opportunities to give (not just monetary but of my time too). Will you step up and serve?

If you are interested in donating please note that I can pick up items at any location in Charlotte. Please contact me directly for more information or to drop off. meganloismartino@gmail.com or (910) 554-2181. We also have an event page for January's donation on Facebook at: Ronald McDonald Charity - January.

Most importantly don't forget to pass this along!

Blessings,

Meg

Legacy of Generosity

For the past several years I have been some what alone on my birthday. My husband Tony has always been working and while I've had friends no one has ever really taken time (outside of my family) to make it super special. Being frank, I would whine inside. I wanted my birthday, the most favorite time of the year, to be SUPER special. Why couldn't anyone do that?

This past year as my birthday rounded the corner my heart changed. I have come to really dislike the selfishness of this generation. It is beyond bad, my friends. Someone cannot even hear about anothers birthday without hearing of all the things the person plans to do for themselves, or what others should do for themselves. This includes the major holidays. I hear more of "I want, I want," then anything else.

Not saying wanting to be loved on or feel special is bad. It's not. In fact, I think it's important for everyone to feel this way. But. Are your wants clouding your judgment in seeing how much need is out there?  Proverbs 11:25 The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself.

What is it saying? Rich in what? Watered? It's not just talking about money. Someone who lives a generous life is rich in many bigger ways than a fattier wallet. He is rich in so much more and is blessed because he sees others blessed.

I really felt God's pull to do something different. To leave a legacy of generosity to my children and my family that would mean much more than money. To reach others despite the fact that many would say, "But it's your day..." Take a moment. Read my experience as I chose to be intentionally generous and see how it changed my life, not just theirs.

My prayer, to start, was that the Holy Spirit would guide me specifically to whom I should bless and how I should bless them. At first my plan was to do 26 random acts of kindness but then God placed the Ronald McDonald house on my heart and this became my biggest act. I started asking for donations from their wish list after getting approval to come and tour the house and meet the house director.

The Tuesday before my birthday is when the generosity really began. I walked into a Chick-Fil-a to get donations for our church when I felt that I was going to be paying for someones meal. As I was walking in I noticed a younger couple. "This is it," I thought. I noticed they paid separately and as I went for my debit card to pay I felt the Holy Spirit stop me. "No, not this one." I waited. A mother came to the counter. Not exaggerating, she looked tired. She had sweats and a baggy t-shirts and ordered 5 or 6 ice creams. "Now." Like a wide receiver going after a ball I jumped over and handed my card and said, "On me!" She tried to refuse me but I wouldn't let her. She looked me square in the eye and said, "You don't know how much I needed that."

"No I didn't, but God did." I left.

The next moment would happen Thursday before my birthday. I received tons of donations from a few church people and friends (thank you all!) but still needed more to add. So instead of asking for a gift from my hubby I asked his permission to buy a ton of travel size products and pantry items. I also bought tons of cookie mix and muffin mix.

When I went to check out a young lady by the name of Stephanie was my cashier. She jokingly said, "Are you going on a long vacation to eat cookies and muffins?" I said, "Nah. I'm doing some charity work for my birthday." She was shocked and we began a really good conversation in which she opened up to me that she really had trouble with seeing the good in humanity. I shared with her openly that it was not me that was good, in fact I wasn't really good at all, but that it was God in me that really made me want to give. If God could give me life everyday, couldn't I in turn give someone hope? She just kept thanking me with tears as I walked away.

But. God. I felt the call to go and get her a gift card to Starbucks. As I did I got the pleasure to meet the store manager of that particular Target. I asked her to give that gift card to Stephanie after I left the store. I included a little note card our church had given us to hand out that said, "Just a little something extra to show how much God loves you." I ended up buying two actually and told the manager to give the other gift card to someone she felt could really use it.

Finally. The big day arrived. I barely slept that night. It was like I was waiting for Christmas! My first stop would be to Kaidance's school, but not after I took a morning picture with her!

We arrived at CCA at 7:30am. My best friend Christin would be joining me as I went about my day so we got there early to meet up. The only person knew that I was going to be feeding the entire faculty was the principal. When I got there and told them I needed space for muffins, and donuts, and juice and milk they were so surprised. Not to mention it was Friday and I'm sure they were all READY for the weekend!

The coolest part about the CCA project was that my daughter and her two friends (whom we carpool with) got to experience giving and generosity too. They helped us carry all the supplies in and set up. They were eager to help and were excited to feed their teachers! It was a huge success! There was lots of conversations and lots of, "We should be doing this for you," but please let me remind you...it's not about me. It's about sharing God's love and HIS generous spirit!

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Psalm 51:12 

I appreciate all that the principal and staff do for my child and the other students!

Next, after a half hour search for my keys that were in a trash bag (and binding up the enemy ha ha!) I headed off to Starbucks for breakfast. The neat thing about having my best friend there was that not only did I have camera help but I got to spoil her! It's about not just being generous to other people but to those around you who impact your every day life! She was the one in my world I wanted to share generosity with too!

After grabbing a cup ourselves and some breakfast (I was too excited to eat, ha ha) we met Kathy. Kathy had a daughter just slightly older than me and cried when I paid for her coffee. She kept saying, "We need more people like you in this world," and I semi-agree. What we truly need is more Christ-like behavior and love. We need people who aren't afraid to share God's goodness with others. Don't be a goodness hoarder. Give it away.

After Kathy we met "in a rush guy." I didn't get his name, didn't talk to him much, just paid for his coffee. He was shocked and surprised and said, "What an awesome thing. Thank you. I didn't have time this morning to make it at home." God's got him.

Then we met Candy. Candy had just come off a night shift working. She looked exhausted. She was there for a quick pick me up on her way home to do a few things and then sleep. She was so appreciative. I am so glad she got a little smile after such a long night.

Next, we went to visit Jen. Jen is a teacher at Newell Elementary school. She rocks. 

Jen is not just my friend. She's a hard working student and a rock star volunteer. I bought her a bag of gifts and then surprised the faculty staff with freshly baked cookies! They even let me tour the back area and I got to meet the principal (who so kindly offered me a job!). 

After an awesome time laughing we headed over to the Ronald McDonald house. We were going to bring a ton of donations and also get a tour of the house. We are so thankful of all that we got to deliver! So was the house. We met a ton of beautiful people who devote their life to serving. They understand what it means to be moved with compassion and to live a life of generosity everyday without complaint.

Debbie, one of my favorite volunteers, was crying as I shared my story. She was so moved that it was my birthday but what she didn't realize is that she touched me and moved me with her story. She's never worked. She's devoted her entire life to volunteering in hospitals in the areas she has lived. What a true leader and inspiration! 

The tour of the Ronald McDonald house was fantastic. I've personally decided to volunteer once a month and do more donation funding for them (blog post on that VERY soon). The quote wall was beyond touching and I cried standing there (and now) just thankful for all God has given me, so that I could give it back.

At the end of the tour we got to ask Ari the director questions. She answered them all truthfully and lovingly and then I took a picture with her and another volunteer Marty. Marty is a replica of what I am going to be as a senior citizen. She was so fun!

This was our last stop. And it was well worth it. Throughout the rest of the day I was able to do little deeds (like leaving an awesome tip for our waitress at lunch) but truly I was the blessed one. God has given me way more than I could EVER ask for. He doesn't ask for much in return. 

I received this card today from Ari. It touched me because it will be a consistent reminder of how important it is to be intentionally generous. Someone needs you and someone needs your obedience. 

This 26th birthday was by far the greatest birthday I've ever had. It was because I decided to take the focus off of me and put it on Him. I have decided to make this an annual thing and will trust that God will make it bigger and bigger every year. I hope in 2014 to do a deed once a day, even a small one, so that others will learn to pay it forward and my children will learn about generosity.

So...it wasn't about me. It wasn't about, "Hey! Look at that wonderful girl." It's about Him. It's always been about Him and it's about others knowing that God cares for them much more than I ever could. Lets ban together folks. Lets ban together and leave a legacy of generosity. When people look back on this generation and those to come let them see a noticeable change in our giving. Lets do this intentionally and with joy. It will change YOUR life.

Blessings,

Meg